So, today is New Year's Eve. This is the day where you sit around and reflect on the year, the ups, downs, high points, and low points. To be quite honest, 2011 was a pretty darn crappy year. No, nothing significant happened - no major tragedies (other than Pasta dying, but she passed away peacefully in her old age so that wasn't totally unexpected). You know what I remember most about 2011? The feelings of insignificance, and the feelings of failure that I experienced this entire year. It seems the world around me in all facets conspired to make me feel worthless. People went out of their way to make sure I knew what failure I was. Weird, but true. I look back on the year and I feel about as down as I have ever felt in years past. I feel like I accomplished nothing and everyone close to me made it their mission to make me realize this day in and day out. 2011 = FAILURE.
I hate ending the year in such a downer mode, but it kind of started that way and just continued. I know it's been told to me at least a hundred times that everyone is in a place of their own choosing. Yes, I chose to be here, and the gates have locked behind me so there is no changing of the mind. I also remember that famous quote:
"People cannot make you feel insignificant without your permission"
That's all well and good. Yes, I can see the benefits of building yourself up in your own mind, of developing your own self-confidence so that someone on the outside cannot completely affect you. That's a good theory, but in reality too much of one thing tends to take effect whether you want it to or not. I gave no one permission to tear me down, but it happens.
So, 2012 will be a personal mission of mine to tear myself UP...a better way to phrase it might be build myself up, but I think this will be a much more violent and drastic procedure than the world building implies. `One thing I can assure you - I ain't done yet! You can shoot me dead but I'll still keep running. Go ahead and try.
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.
Oh yeah? OK, so I can't change these circumstances. The only solution is to change the way I think about it? So in other words I am supposed to tell myself that this is allGOOD and that I LIKE this and I am about it? Can this really work? I tell myself all the time "It is what it is what it is..." When it comes to "it", I am powerless. I cannot change a thing. No can do. So change the way I think about it, the way I face it? Hmmm...food for thought....
December 21, 2011
The Little Things
Why don't more people realize that it is the little things that make life and relationships great? It doesn't take money? Too many people equate caring with cash. Personally, I'd rather have a really nice note that brightens my day than some thoughtless gift. Do something nice, write out how you feel, do a favor without expecting paybacks, show interest in someone's day.
November 28, 2011
Life is like Play-Doh. Yeah, seriously! It is moldable, malleable, up to a point. If you leave it alone for too long, it gets hard and stale and loses flexibility. Eventually it becomes hard and useless. The more you mold it, the more malleable it becomes. Taking two opposite colors and mixing them together creates a really nifty blend of swirled colors that is pleasing to the eye. Mix it for too long and the colors become one new color and the separate hues cannot be seen anymore. You can create amazing things from Play-Doh, but in the end all creations eventually dry up and crumble. Dust to dust and all that jazz.
November 22, 2011
Memories - the good ones hurt!
I found a video tribute I made of Taylor after she died last year. I haven't watched it since I made it over a year ago. I finally sat down this morning to watch it, and it made me cry. What a big impact he had on my life, and still does today in the form of her son Tango. I wish I still had her, I really miss her. She was one-of-a-kind.
November 10, 2011
Stone Cold Reality
Today it actually spit some snow in the afternoon. Nothing worth writing (typing) about, but it is rather depressing. I always feel so sad when winter starts setting in. On the other hand, I do enjoy the cozy feeling that comes with winter. There is something very cozy about driving to work in the morning in my truck with the heat blasting (once it warms up, of course). I like snuggling under blankets in bed. I enjoy wintertime fashions (the more body cover, the better LOL!). I like coming home and making a hot bowl of soup after a cold day at the barn. But...I hate cleaning stalls in the bitter cold when I can't feel my digits. I hate the laziness that always infiltrates my body with the cold weather. I just wanna go home and curl up in my chair and eat pretzels. I hate breathing in cold air. I can never find a matching pair of gloves. Oh, and the driving...ugh, the driving - always worrying about the snow and ice and whether today will be the day me and my truck wreck beyond repair. Winter does tend to bring out the negative feelings inside of me.
I try and remind myself that the truly icky weather is only from November - March. that's 5 months...7 months are what I consider good weather. That's more than 50% of the year. Yay.
I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people that can plan a winter getaway vacation every year. I am limited to my one measly week at Christmas, and who wants to travel during Christmas (and who can afford it anyways?). I do have a lottery ticket I haven't checked...
September 28, 2011
It's so hard to be a dreamer and yet stay realistic! Realism has a nasty way of killing dreams...but dreaming big often leads to great disappointment. Is there a middle road I can travel?
How do you keep your dreams alive and yet deal with the down sides? The problem with failure is that it tends to taint your memories and instead of looking back at an experience with pride, fondness, or whatever, you look back with regret and a sense of disappointment. But if you never dream, how do you ever accomplish great things? Heck, how do you accomplish anything?
I am trying to find that balance - to dream just big enough to open up the world of possibilities, but not so big that failure is a probable outcome. Yeah, it's a good theory anyways!
September 26, 2011
Happy Birthday to me! Don't rain on my parade!!!
Apparently there is an unwritten law - you are NOT allowed to have fun or enjoy yourself unless everyone else around you also is having fun and enjoying themselves. Anything less than that results in censure and intermittent anger. Please keep this in mind for future events. Misery should be shared equally among all who are present. Don't you dare even smile unless each person within a 3.5 mile radius is also wearing a smile. Let's follow the law, folks!
September 9, 2011
So many mental issues, so little time!
Been a while since my last blog rambling. I have so much in my head, sometimes it is hard to put it all down on a computer screen. Someday there will be some genius who will invent a brain scanner that you could use to scan your thoughts and have them show up on the screen to save typing. Imagine how fun that would be...and how dangerous! It would be interesting to see the weird twists and turns my mind makes when on a thought ramble. I often wonder, is everyone's mind like this or is mine just strange? My thoughts go all over the place, I can start at point A and end up at point 54 on another planet! I have crazy ideas and misshapen thoughts that would be dangerous or lethal or just plain cracked of brought out in the daylight.
So what determines a "normal" brain anyways? A bigger question might be "What is normal?" Is normalcy a different level for everyone, and everyone has their own version of normal? In other words, I am normal and everyone else isn't? Or is it just me that's messed up in the head?
I hope it's not just me. I wouldn't want anyone else to miss out on the fun mental sojourns that I get to experience!
April 7, 2011
A Useless, Fun Program
I found a cool but utterly useless program on the internet this morning. It converts your photos to text pictures. Check it out: (click to enlarge)
Today is National No Housework Day. In preparation for today's festivities, I have practiced this for the past few months, and I think I have this No Housework thing DOWN! Yeah!
April 6, 2011
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired"
I got this out of a fortune cookie this morning. I love it! Those Chinese cookie makers really know their stuff. I'd love to meet someone who actually wrote these fortunes that go inside of cookies. I've gotten so many this week that are awesome...for instance:
"Make your life and exclamation, not an explanation"
"Look ahead or you won't get ahead"
Pretty cool! Plus the cookies are a bonus, very yummy. I have discovered they taste awesome first thing in the morning. I am limiting myself to only one per day. One fortune to start off each morning and to think about on the drive to work.
March 15, 2011
If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again.
Letting go of dreams...seems like I do a lot of that lately. Once again, real life throws a monkey wrench...hell, not a wrench but a wrecking ball into my life and plans. I have to be mature, I have to make adult-like decisions in order to meet my responsibilities. Yeah, it SUCKS. I think back...just a mere 4 years ago I was sitting on top of the world...with everything to look forward to and the most exciting year of my life ahead of me that would culminate into some of my biggest moments and accomplishments of my life. Things started gradually spiraling downward for the next 3 years...and each subsequent year I swore that this would be THE year, this would be MY year! Nope...it's someone else's year! Maybe 2012? Or maybe 2032? Either way, I guess I will keep waiting, hoping, and shelving those dreams again and again.
March 15, 2011
Demolition is FUNNNN!
We got our new house and are in the process of deconstruction/reconstruction. It's a real eye-opener. Building materials are expensive!. Surprisingly we have come to many agreements on things, which is always a shocker to me. God give me the patience to deal with someone else's impatience...
One of the most satisfying activities I have discovered is the joy in ripping down old paneling and karate-shopping it into pieces. Paneling breaks so easily, it makes me feel wicked strong and powerful. I love it! I wonder if it might be a good investment for me to buy some cheap paneling to keep on hand whenever I am in need of that feeling again.
March 11, 2011
This dude is NUTS! I see him nearly every morning on my way to work. He drives like a maniac down Elida Road between 7:20-7:30am, weaves in and out of traffic, cuts people off, forces other cars to swerve or go off the road to avoid him. I actually got into a shouting match with him this past fall when he decided to attempt to ram his stupid 1996 Lincoln Continental into my truck because I was in his way when he wanted to make a left turn into McDonald's parking lot. This morning he p*ssed off another driver (one that had a distinctive terrorist/Khadafi look to him) and this dude chased Mr. Lincoln all the way to the next red light where he rolled his window down and shouted threats. I was right behind him and enjoyed the early morning show. Mr. Lincoln will get his comeuppance one day...I can't wait to see it! Maybe I will film the entire thing and publicize his idiocy on YouTube...
February 4, 2011
Redirecting your Goals
Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.
I had some great goals for 2011, but I see that some of them are going to prove impossible. Unfortunately, you enter your dreams with the best of intentions and hopes, but some times you have to step back and really look at the reality of your situation and realize that it just wasn't meant to be. Redirect! Just because a goal you set has suddenly become unattainable doesn't mean the goal itself was bad, nor your efforts in achieving it. It just means that your life has another path to take, another plan to make, and another focus to zero in. Redirect! It's OK to redirect your efforts. It doesn't mean you are failing or unsuccessful, it just means your success may lie in a completely new and unknown area you hadn't thought of before...taking detours can sometimes be fun and life-altering. Fun is good, and changes of direction are sometimes just what you need to get back on track.
Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.
Never be afraid to change your direction if needed. Never fear the fork in the road! Enjoy life's surprises, and just keep hitting the reset button!
February 1, 2011
Combating the Weather
It's so tedious when people whine about the weather. I mean, seriously...what can you do about it other than prepare to survive? Maybe my topic heading shouldn't be "Combating the Weather" but instead "Combating my Mood"! Weather sure has an effect on my mood and general happiness. But...not always in the way you think! Today we got several inches of snow, with a huge blizzard/ice storm approaching. I am home at 11:30am on a weekday...no school! That makes me happy. Oh, well I won't be so joyous making this day up in June, but today it is a needed break (with the probability of another day off tomorrow). There is something very cozy about an incoming storm. I don't know what it is, but it puts me in a cheery mood and I feel so protected and warm at home. Weird, huh? Yeah, that's me!
January 23, 2011
30 Days of Photos
I found this idea online and thought it would be fun. I will randomly add photos to the captions as I find them.
Day 01 - A picture of yourself Here I am!
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest Me and Pat...we've been friends since around 1997 and although we rarely get to see each other I feel she is someone who has stayed the closest to me through all of these up-and-down years.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night The evening Kevin and I spent in Aruba on our honeymoon cruise in 2003. That was a great night!
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory Definitely - it was Oct. 27, 2007 - placing in the top 10 in Junior HUS at Congress. What a moment!
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item Stewart, my phone!
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh My sister and I at Thanksgiving
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most My mom, of course! What would I do without her?
Day 10 - A picture of the person you have the most inside jokes with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate YUCK - baked beans
Day 12 - A picture of something you love Spaghetti, of course!
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist Blood, Sweat, and Tears - a great group!
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without Kevin...'nuff said!
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die I want to win one of THESE - a Congress trophy!
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you - My dad...I am trying to be him when I grow up, seriously!
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently Our new house and property we are buying
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity Money - not having enough of it to get done what needs to be done, or to take care of things properly
Day 19 - A picture of something you are proud of. My band...my work
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel Vienna, Austria
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget Oh yes, that infernal Equitation finals at Congress in 2003...the picture says it all.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at I wish I were a better player, I wish I was the player I used to be, but I fear those days are long gone.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book Watership Down, by Richard Adams
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change I wish I could be neater and more organized. That would relieve 95% of the stress and unhappiness in my life, I think.
Day 25 - A picture of your favorite day Hiking to Taft Point and Sentinel Dome in Yosemite (2009)
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you The letter from AQHA informing me (to my GREAT surprise!) that I had ended the year ranked 4th in the nation in limited Open Hunter Under Saddle riders.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member Me and my niece Courtney.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of Chickens! Actually, all birds. I hate 'em.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile Corky and I - she is only 4 months old in this picture. Little did I know at the time how she would end up making some huge dreams come true, and end up being one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss I don't have a picture, I've searched everywhere. I miss my old BFF Cheryl, who died of cancer in 1998. I don't think I have ever gotten as close to a friend after I lost her. She was one of a kind, and she totally understood me (which says a lot!).
January 9, 2011
Balancing the Good and the Bad
Ok, so 2011 started off with a bang! Kevin called the first week the "3-H Week" - for House (yes, we officially are buying the house we looked at and made a screwy offer on!), Horse (Pepsi arrived from North Dakota and she is everything I could have asked for, and then some!), and Honor (The mayor awarded Kevin a medal of valor for saving a woman's life in a fire). I was flying high all week. hen of course, life does it's usual nasty by evening things out with some badness. The house - well, it's going to cost a LOT of money to make it livable and right for us. Money. gh...the thing I have very little of...and it all comes about on the year where I finally was getting things together and hoping that I could be disaster-free and have a successful show year. Corky then comes up lame - very sore with a mystery ailment that is hinting at being something rather devastating (we'll know more after our vet appointment).
So that's what life does. Life gives you a joyous moment, and then just at the peak of your happiness Life smacks you down and sucks out the joy. Why does it have to be like this? I don't know whether to be happy or sad. One moment I am happy, then devastated, then joyed, then stressed. It's a roller coaster and I am NOT enjoying the ride. Just give me some freaking joy without countering it with pain, please. Just once? Please?
January 1, 2011
Starting the new year!
Ok, so it's the new year...yippee! 2011 is the official Chinese Year of the HARE. Yeah, baby, it's MY year! MINE!!!! Let's see...looking back - 2007 was a dream year, 2008 was a disappointing year, 2009 was a tragic year, and 2010 was a devastating year. What will 2011 be? Here are a few choices:
2011 could possibly be a:
Pleasant, non-committal year
Up-and-down roller coaster year of highs and lows
Year of exciting life changes, many of which are very unexpected
heart-breaking year where I lose all heart and soul and start thinking about quitting
Dream-realizing year where things fall into place (with a little help from me) and stuff starts happening!
Happy happy joyous year full of rainbows and sunshine
I will look back in 365 days and see just which one of these descriptions come true. I can't wait to see what this year has in store...feelin' positive and ready to take on the challenges.
Welcome to the twists and turns of a non-standard mind...MINE! Necessary precautions should be taken before attempting to read this blog. Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this blog. Blog may cause drowsiness, nausea, irritation, and has a small occurrence of heart palpations and frontal lobe separation. Don't try this at home. Definitely don't try this at work. Blog should be taken with food. If side effects occur, please see your psychiatrist immediately before your head explodes.