Why am I not in the Christmas spirit this year? I really have no desire to decorate or even listen to Christmas music. I am not looking forward to shopping, or to the fun Christmas family activities. I guess I feel kind of alienated and disconnected this year, which makes for very little Christmas spirit.
I've done quite a bit of Christmas shopping already. I've bought pretty much all of Kevin's gifts by now, and it was fun picking out a lot of different things that will be uniquely his. But now I am just kind of ...'blah'...not very excited. I know Kevin dreads shopping for me (hence the shoppingless Christmas he did last year), so maybe I just feel like it has become more of a business arrangement than fun gift-exchanging. He comes from the $20-check-gift-family background, so it is to be expected. I just hope he has fun shopping, and if it becomes a chore to him, we should all just skip it. Heaven knows we already have enough chores in our daily lives!
Or maybe I should just shaddup and leave it alone. I am in a very down mood today. I am sick (probably the flu...ugh), plus very depressed over conversations last night. I am feeling very low, so the solution will be to go spend quality horse time this afternoon and then come home and make some of Mom's soup for supper. Oh yes, and then paint paint paint paint paint paint. This is my 'second job'...tonight will be a late night as I try to finish more Christmas orders.
Do people really ever learn from their life lessons, or are they eternally doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again? I think most people believe they have learned from their mistakes, but the pattern is set and they are doomed to relive history. I mean, how can one really change the way you think, they way you are wired, the way you look at the world, and the actions you choose to take? Many people try to change to fit the mold that others see for us, but are you really truely changed or is just the shell of your existance painted to make it look as if you are different?
I find I am doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again. I can be determined to do things different this time, and sometimes I manage to keep up the facade, but the old habits keep coming through. I don't think people can really change, but they can adapt their minds and actions to fit the desires of others. It's a tough row to hoe, because you constantly have to play the part.
But anyways, I am stryaing from my original point - life's lessons. You always read about the children of abusive parents that grow up to become abusive parents themselves, or people who have disastrous marriages only to divorce and marry someone just like the first. I wonder how many of life's lessons that I keep repeating over and over again. I think I am growing and becoming a better (more intelligent) person each day, but is this really true? Are we all just victims of the lethal combination of our own personal makeup plus our upbringing (nature PLUS nurture)? It's a sad, depressing thought to believe that people can never really change. What do you think?
I think it's time to move south. I am hating this cold weather. It's so odd how some people love the cold and snow, and others totally despise it. I wouldn't mind if it stayed in the 90's year-round! When the cold comes, I lose energy, I have a hard time getting motivated to do anything! Last night, I had a ton of painting to do. Instead I sat there and zoned out and played at several different things, ate a huge plate of spaghetti, and was a complete lazy bum. I didn't even have the energy to turn the TV on. If I lived farther south where the weather stayed warmer, I bet I would accomplish a lot more in my day to day life.
It is also hard to wake up in the morning when it is cold. Going to sleep is nice, I will admit - curling up under the blankets all night. But that first step out of bed into the cold air is pure agony. Then there is that first step outside in the below-freezing temps after being in a warm house all night...driving to work in a car that has an icy steering wheel. I need to invest in a good pair of gloves.
The cold has it's good points, I guess. The stalls are easier to clean because the manure freezes...hey, that's something!
Having patience with someone is a tough job. Sometimes you are furstrated with what you are doing or what is happening, and patience is the first thing to go. Patience is basically a sign of respect for someone. Assuming someone is 'stupid' is wrong...people don't always make their instructions clear. Perhaps the lack of patience is the result of a lack of good communication skills? If you don't communicate clearly your wants or needs, you can't expect them to be fulfilled instantly. Irregardless, there is no need to be rude to someone just because you become impatient.
Most highly intelligent people tend to be impatient often. It is a sad trait that goes hand-in-hand with high capabilities...people who are highly capable of a skill tend to be short on patience with someone who is not at their level. Often, those people have trouble communicating what they want from someone because they assume that everyone is on the same page, or the same wavelength, as themselves. Unfortunately, most people who are like this tend to stay like this because they fail to see (or admit) what they need to do or change in order to make things go smoothly.
That's my goal - to become self-contained again. Sounds strange, like I am turning into Tupperware or something! To be self-contained, you really live the true independent life. All your wants and needs are fulfilled by yourself, and you don't need anyone else. You may want someone else, but you don't need them and can live a very full life without.
Man, that's tough. To be self-contained, I have to be willing to go at it alone, to do the things I want or need to by myself, and not depend on the companionship or assistance of anyone else. If either of those two things appear, it is just icing ion the cake, a bonus. but life can and will go on and success will happen without it. If you are self-contained, you don't put any time pressures on anyone else, and you don't ask for nor need assistance. That's a hard one for me. It's tough to be willing and able to go at it completely alone. That old saying "No man is an island" is really untrue...you can be an island with a broken bridge. Or an island in shallow water - you can be accessible only if someone is willing to get a little damp.
The dangerous thing about relationships is that we start to view ourselves though someone else's eyes instead of our own. Now, occasionally this is a good exercise, but if you do it constantly you really lose sight of yourself and who you are. The worst thing is if you get into the habit of always doing this, and then the person you are viewing yourself through stops 'seeing' you. Then, you really lose sight of yourself. Who are you? Are you necessary? Are you important? Do you matter? If the view of yourself you are looking at is someone else's view, and their view is of a blank spot (where you should be), then you need to get out of that spot and reassess yourself. If you don't, you start second-gussing everything, and paranoia sets in. The dangerous thing about relationships is when someone else's view of you becomes more important than your own view of yourself! When that other person stops seeing you, you disappear. That ain't good!!!
