What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person…In passion, the body and spirit seek expression…The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so.
—John Boorman, Film Director
What an awesome quote. I went back this morning and checked the ‘comments’ section of this blog. I am so bad, I always forget to check them periodically…and found some wonderful, uplifting comments left to me after Lazlo died. This quote came from a friend several states away. I read it over 3-4 times and really thought about what it said.
I guess, if I had a choice, I’d take the passion – the huge emotional times, good or bad – over a life of passionless, drab, even-keel existence. I’ve had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I know of people who tend to live their lives in a monotone – never experiencing the true incredible joy of a huge goal reached or a major accomplishment achieved, but nor do they experience the devastating loss and heartbreak when things plummet. I don’t want to be like that. I have to accept the lows in order to truly enjoy the highs, because that is real living.
OK, so now I am ready for some great highs…come on, bring it on! I am due!!!!
OK, so I found a great property for us:
6.13 acres only a block for the barn where my horses are at. It was at an affordable price, on a quiet country road, and Kevin and I loved it.
OK, so it wasn’t the perfect property. It had potential. Unfortunately, I don’t have potential. I have none. My salary is my salary and it is what it is. I think I was destined to get a college degree and become poor white trash. OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I guess I can’t afford my half, I could afford it but would I ever be able to afford to do anything with it? It’s depressing to think that I am where I am and that’s where I am staying.
In some areas of my life, I do very well. I have two high quality horses that others would kill to own. I board at a wonderful place owned by a great friend, I have a great horse trailer with awesome LQs (built by my dad who totally rocks), I have a 14 year old truck with ZERO luxuries but is completrely reliable and runs great. I live in a house that as of last month is paid for. Things are really OK with me, as long as I don’t try living outside my means and being more than what I was destined to be. This is my life…it is what it is.
I am buying a lottery ticket tomorrow. Things could change dramatically for only $1.00. Hey…gotta dream, right?
Today I am recharging my batteries. The power is pretty low! Last night we had our big spring band concert. It went well…no one cried, fell off the platform, or fainted. Only a few instruments broke right before the concert (*insert big eye-rolling right here*). No matter how many excuses a young trumpet player can make, those dang valves did NOT jump up and switch into the wrong casings by themselves!
I thin it is cold and rainy again outside. I am not sure. I don’t have windows (have I mentioned that at least 1,000 times already?). All I know is that it is May and I am sitting in a hooded sweatshirt and I am shivering because the foolish people at this place insist on turning the a/c on and freexing us out…even though it is only around 60 degrees outside. What a waste. Yeah… and they can’t afford salary raises for the teachers….(*insert another big eye-rolling right here*).
Now, on to other things. Time to start getting serious about the show seasn (as if I haven’t already been serious about it my whole life!). Time to focus on marching band. Time to say a nightly prayer that Taylor gets pregnant on the only try left I ahve this year. Oh yeah, need to plant another money tree because mine done died.
This morning we have a 2 hour delay for fog. Normally this would be an occasion of JOY! Who doesn’t love a surprise fog delay? Ugh…NOT on the day of my big spring concert, when I have a zillion rehearsals to run, the program hasn’t even been printed yet, and I have a million of little details to take care of. Why couldn’t this delay happen tomorrow? That would be a true blessing! Oh well, you know me, never really satisfied with the good stuff.
Today’s curse would also be if for some weird reason school got cancelled (which I doubt since it seems the fog has lifted). I would have a disaster on my hands for tonight, plus we would have to make this day up in June…YUCK!
OK, so yesterday’s mail was a bit emotional. Here’s what appeared in my mailbox, in the order I opened them:
- An envelope from AQHA. I opened it and lo’ and behold, it was a refund check for $165 for my registration fees for lazlo. I never ever thought I’d see a penny back from that. They had already reserved his name, and he actually had a registration number assigned. It made me choke up.
- An envelope from the vet in Kentucky…a lovely $600 bill for his crappy, ill-timed attempts at breeding Taylor (dude, if a horse is STILL in heat, that means she ain’t ovulated yet!) and his terrible weak treatment of Lazlo (incidentally I have heard now from several vets who are appalled at the weak antibiotics that were given to him…he never had a chance!). \
- An envelope from the OSU Vet Hospital. I dreaded opening it…I think I will faint if it is another bill. Instead it was a sympathy card signed by all of the vet students, technicians, and doctors that worked on lazlo. Each one took the time to write a line or two. That was SO thoughtful. Yes, I cried again. And again later that night, talking to a friend about all of this.
Today is sunny, 70, and I get to spend the day outside instead of teaching inside. I will heal myself in the glorious warmth of the sun, and think of all the good things I have going on in my life!
I need about 10 more hours added on to each day this week. There is too much stuff to do – and I am talking work related stuff (yuck!). Our big spring concert is Thursday. Dress rehearsals all day wednesday. Wednesday evening Taylor heads to the breeding farm in Ft. Wayne. Tuesday all day I unload and sort plants and flowers for the band fundraiser. Friday I leave for Cleveland to spend with family. In between all that i need to get stalls cleaned, laundry done, my desk organized, band projects graded, argh!
I wonder what our lives would be like if days were 34 hours long instead of 24. Would we sleep more? Would we just end up working longer hours at our jobs, or would we work the same hours but have a lot more free time to spend doing our own thing? It’s an interesting concept…if we could slow the earth’s rotation down a bit to add the extra 10 hours. I would want those 10 hours to be daylight, but I suppose it would be impossible…half would have to be night. That’s OK…I can get a lot done at night!
Imagine if humans didn’t need to sleep. We’d have all those extra overnight hours to do stuff. I’d develop a few new hobbies, or spend more time doing the ones I have. I think I’d be a neater person because I wouldn’t be in that eternal rush I am always in, and would have time to properly put things away and take care of things. That would be cool…that would cut out a large segment of stress in my life. However, I imagine that stress would just be replaced by some other cause for stress. We as humans are destined to stress, worry and fret about things out of our control.
OK, this is a personal pep talk to myself. You can leave if you’d like.
Yeah, I get it. Taylor is not pregnant. Once again fate has spit in your eye. It’s been 5 years since you had a living, healthy foal past 30 days. You work your butt off only to have people who don’t give a damn or work half as hard end up with success that YOU deserve.
Get over it.
Get up and try again.
It’s another yucky, crappy day. I sat this morning in church and wondered about things…about what is ‘fair’ and why the world is so unbalanced in regards to fairness. Some peole have it all, some people have nothing, some are in-between. I get angry with myself for still having faith sometimes, because I feel foolish in always hanging on to that shred of hope. It’s so hard, because if I have nothing to look forward to, I have nothing to live for…so I have to find something.
Speaking of fairness, we will see just how fair and just my world really is tomorrow. Taylor gets checked for pregnancy tomorrow. I am fairly convinced she is not pregnant, based on my observations and my knowledge of my own bad luck. Wouldn’t it be more ‘fair’ if she was pregnant…giving me another chance? It would certainly help me in two areas – my pocketbook, and my feelings of hope (or the lack thereof). Would it be fair to take this away from me after the last two breeding disasters? We shall see…stay tuned.
Most people call a day like today “grey”. I find grey a rather warm color with cool overtones. Today is more ecru, beige, taupe, yucky blah. Not high, not low. Not warm, not cold. Just blah. I feel blah. It is a misty cold rain outside, and following a sunny 80 degree day it makes it doubly hard to take.
I have on some really nice black pants today…they have 3 splashes of bleach near the bottom which look weird. I colored them with a permanent marker this morning and they looked pretty good, but by lunchtime the marker had faded to a brown color. Isn’t that surprising? I guess if I wear these pants from now on I will have to schedule times of the day to re-color the spots.
The next 2 weeks are really socked in at work…”crunch time” ! I need to make sure I get a good night’s sleep every night. Gah I sound so old and grandmotherly…what happened to the days when I could go on 4 hours of sleep for an entire week and still be productive?
One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;
and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.
Today is a beautiful day. I plan to keep it’s beauty and enjoy it…who knows how many of these days remain.
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