Coping
21 April 2009I am trying very hard to hold it all together today. I am not letting myself think at all. It’s so hard. I am so down, I really have no energy nor any will to do anything. I am angry – angry at God, at life, at everyone else who puts HALF the amount of effort and work into their things but have twice the success. I am angry at the unfairness of it all, and am wondering when I am going to get a break – when is it going to be MY turn? I thought 2009 was supposed to be MY year? What have I done to deserve this? Why do I even bother? Why even try to be a good person? The rotten people have all the luck and all the breaks. There just isn’t any point anymore.
Lazlo and me, when our future was exciting.
Lazlo, my very last photo of him alive.
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3 Responses to “Coping”
April 21st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Jan, I know God Got Lazlo SAFE with him now! Just like my Last Cat That I Cried and Cried and Just so HARD that Loosing Love Pets is so hard!! You did nothing Wrong!! I know you have many many many More Great Good Months, Days, Years coming thru!!! and You just still can Breed again!! My Mom went thru alot of NIGHTMARES trying to GET HER HORSE name ” Kelly Nightmare ” To have babies and We lost alot of LUCK!!! Anyway I know you can do it!!! I know God did not MEAN to take away Lazlo from you!! But Know this..He’s gonna save Lazlo till you see him and you can RIDE Lazlo in HEAVEN!!! – Jamie
April 21st, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Jan I can totally sympathize with you on many of the issues you mentioned in your blog. However bleak it looks right now and unhappy you are feeling, remember this too shall pass in time. You have your health,and a job, you have a husband who is able to work and has his health.You have a roof over your head. You have Corky and Taylor and they are doing just fine. You have family who loves you and is doing their best to support you in your time of grief. I too at times feel what’s wrong with me, that I deserve this crappy life I’m living. What did I do wrong? I guess it’s not the way we should look at it, but rather try to look at the good things. Yes you need your time to grieve and feel this way it is all part of the healing process. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you. We need spaghetti or something with lot’s of pasta. lol… It’s gonna be ok in time Jan. I promise. I love you. Kim
April 21st, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Dear Jan, My son Jamie just showed me your website & on it the ribbon he made for Lazlo. I’m sure you feel like rewinding your life and screaming for it all to just not happen. My brother’s saying is “Life’s a bitch & then you die,” and that fits more often than we want it to. You will come back because you, like so many of us, have that PASSION that we horse people are born with. Really look at the following words, they are on the first page of a book I’m reading:
What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person…In passion, the body and spirit seek expression…The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so.
—John Boorman, Film Director
Taylor will keep your passion alive, you so need each other. No one could pay us for what we go thru for these horses, I do it all myself also, except thank God for Jamie, he is there for me where the heavy work is concerned. If you’re like me, my horses literally determine my daily happiness (crappy training session, crappy day & it stays that way until I get a good one)–and I know right now your’s sucks, but it WILL get better, hang in there. God bless Taylor, little Lazlo & you– what a crying shame. Love, ….Sharon