Coping some more….
Today I am beat. I feel like I have been ripped apart and then taped together by some cheap Scotch tape. I stepped out of the shower today and noticed a purple swollen bruise on the front of my shin from where Lazlo accidentally kicked me on Saturday night when I was holding him down for the vet. How can a bruise make you cry…5 days later? I am such a waste.
Today I finally started answering my phone again, and took the call from the vet in Kentucky who wanted to discuss Lazlo’s case. What is there left to say that hasn’t been already said?
I am forcing myself to look towards the future, because I am losing respect for myself the way I am wallowing in what shoulda-coulda-woulda been. Taylor quite possibly is pregnant again, though I highly doubt it. I called to make the appointment, and she gets checked next Thursday. I don’t think she is pregnant, so the big decision time comes. Do I just eat the stud fee, or do I spend more money, throw good money after bad, and try to breed again? I want another Lazlo, but that is impossible – she is booked to be bred to a different stallion, and anyways there can never be another Lazlo. I waited so long for a boy to name that very special name…*sigh*
On a better note, the temperatures are supposed to be sunny and warm (70’s) all weekend. I will definitely be doing some horse therapy and letting Corky cheer me up. Knowing her, she’ll probably buck me off in front of everyone just for spite!
Life does go on. It’s weird, it just keeps trudging along and dragging me with it (kicking and screaming). I am getting better, so call off the mental police. I will survive (what a great song!).
Still coping
I feel angry today. Taylor is depressed. Corky does her best to comfort her. It’s amazing to watch those two communicate. We are like a family of three struggling to move on together.
I am working hard not to lose my faith. It’s a lot easier to blame God and get mad. It doesn’t accomplish much, though.
I am amazed at the large amount of support and good thoughts from people. I never realized so many people cared. It does make me feel a lot better.
Coping
I am trying very hard to hold it all together today. I am not letting myself think at all. It’s so hard. I am so down, I really have no energy nor any will to do anything. I am angry – angry at God, at life, at everyone else who puts HALF the amount of effort and work into their things but have twice the success. I am angry at the unfairness of it all, and am wondering when I am going to get a break – when is it going to be MY turn? I thought 2009 was supposed to be MY year? What have I done to deserve this? Why do I even bother? Why even try to be a good person? The rotten people have all the luck and all the breaks. There just isn’t any point anymore.
Lazlo and me, when our future was exciting.
Lazlo, my very last photo of him alive.
Real Life
Don’t you think real life would be better served…um…in real life? I mean, reading personal blogs in your spare time is amusing and entertaining for the most part, but it only gives a snippet of information based on the 90 seconds it took to type it out at any given moment. Maybe, just maybe, if you want to know how someone is doing, you actually speak to them in person, and ask them? Hell, even pick up the phone and call to chat! It’s pure laziness to ignore reality and just read sporadic stuff spewed in a blog like this one and take it without bothering to communicate or talk in real life. Just a thought.This blog is just a mishmash of things that pop into my head at a specific moment when I happen to be sitting at the computer with a free moment. It does not in any way describe nor depict my life as a whole…got it? If you are interested, then talk. Otherwise, go surf on some other inane website…there are plenty of them out there.
Breakdown in the hay
I picked up 40 bales of really crappy alfalfa today. I drove 30mph to the barn (yes…40 of the 80-pound bales were balanced in the back of my truck!), parked in the driveway, and wheelbarrowed 2 bales at a time down the drive, through the mud corral, across the arena, to my stalls…where i stacked them. Two by two…all by myself. This leads to the question WHY? Why was a 41 year old woman unloading over 3200 pounds of hay by herself? Answer: Because I had no choice. Unfortunately, I have to do these things alone. It sucks, let me tell you. About halfway through the unloading, I had a complete mental breakdown and started bawling like an idiot. I finished by myself (with hay chaffe in my nose and eyes…ugh). The thing is – I did get it done…all alone. Never again will I count on anyone else, time to face facts about reality. Next time I will pay someone to help me.
What totally bites is that this is really crappy hay, but I am stuck with it ($220 later).
My back hurts horribly bad. My neck hurts. I have bruises on the tops of my legs from swinging the bales against them. My hands are raw (yes I wore gloves). All in all that isn’t so unusual from stacking hay. It just hurts more when you have to go at it alone, and you know that everyone else in the universe has people that will help.
Ok, pity party over. I spent most of the evening feeling very sorry for myself. Now I am OK, glad it’s done, and hoping and praying my back is OK in the morning.
Waste not, want not…in regards to TIME
I noticed a habit this weekend. It’s not just from this weekend, but for months now…I have just been noticing it more lately. I wake up early, have lots of time to get ready and prepare for whatever I am going to do, but then zone out and waste time and end up rushing like a crazy person to leave on time. For instance -last night is a good example. I had all evening to get stuff done. Now granted, I did work a LOT on some music I was writing for junior high band. I didn’t get any painting done. I got distracted watching the Apprentice, and next thing I know it is 11pm and I haven’t done the dishes, haven’t put my laundry away, haven’t finished the music I was working on, haven’t fed Pasta, haven’t synced my Ipod, and the list goes on and on. I wish I could be more organized with my time. I am so organized when it comes to my schedule, but when it comes to doing menial household and personal tasks, things just get haphazard.
Thinking about Happiness
Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient
Interesting thought…in order to be happy you must be self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone else. Hmmmm….. is that true? Can we live our lives like an island, counting and relying only on ourselves 100% of the time?
Along that line…in a different tangent:
Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.
Sooo…you have to be self-sufficient and independent, yet work to benefit and help others. Since you need others to benefit in order to make that statement true, in essence you are depending on them to be needy, so you aren’t truly self-sufficient, are you?
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion
Man, that’s hard….
Bubble-less
For your information, I fell off the bubble last night and squarely into a bad, bad mood. Sorry…I took it out on everyone and I don’t know why. :-[
Bubblicious
Right now at this very moment I am on the bubble between good mood/bad mood. I had a very tiring day – not necessarily bad, but tiring and perplexing. I fought the after-work crowds at Wal-Mart because I was OUT of pretzels and ravioli. I came home and did some odds and ends on the computer (i.e. read the forums, checked Facebook, etc.). i am poised – I am going to drop on once side of the fence or the other – good mood/bad mood. Which will it be? I am not overly excited, not too optimistic, not really looking forward to anythiing in particular, not dreading anything in particular, not overly worried, no more stress than normal, I dunno.
I am going to control the attitudes of the people around me. I did a little experiment today and ti seemed to work. I am going to see what kind of power I have in influencing those who are trapped with me.
Growing Old
I was driving to work this morning and heard a commercial for a ’senior living community’ and started thinking about what will become of me when I get old. I actually had a moment of brief panic. What will I do? I have a very small retirement coming to me, and I am not in a position where I will be taken care of for life…I am pretty much on my own. I guess the scariest thing is realizing that when it all goes down the drain I will be totally and completely alone – no kids and no family. It’s a frightening thought. All the ’stuff’ I have accumulated will be in a garbage dump somewhere since I have no one that would value or cherish anything of mine in remembrance or as part of their ancestry. I leave no legacy behind, so once I am gone my life will fizzle out and not even be a memory with anyone. I will leave nothing, no one. How scary is that to think that when you are gone, you will really and truly be GONE…disappeared from peoples’ memories and the family tree branch will end abruptly with me.
Normally I scoff at these thoughts as they are far far far into the distant future, but now I find my distant future isn’t so distant anymore and it is looming closer and closer every year. Wow…depressing thoughts! Now that we are all doom, gloom, and suicidal……have a nice day!
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