One Million Music jokes!

Ok, so I didn't actually count all of them, but there are a bunch!

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend:: "I hope so!"

Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed though saxophones..

How can you tell the trombone player's kid on the playground?
He can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide..

Why do clarinet players leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is the difference between a tenor sax player and a macaw?
one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird..

What is the range of the bass clarinet?
30 feet if you get a good grip.

What's the difference between a baritone sax and a vacuum cleaner?
The vibrato.

Did you hear about the piccolo player who played in tune?
Neither did I..

What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A coffin has the corpse inside.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves..

What's the definition of Perfect pitch?
When the trumpet doesn't hit the side of the dumpster.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?

How is a savings bond like a musician?
Eventually it may mature and make some money..

What should you do if you run over a flute player?
Back up..

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe..

What's a definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
A trombone player with a beeper

What's the difference between a bassoon player and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline..

How can you tell when a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What is the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't..

What is the difference between a soprano sax and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves i parades..

Why do drummers have a pea-sized brain?
Alcohol makes the brain swell!.

Why are oboists and bassoonists the only musicians who make their own reeds?
because the other musicians have social lives.

What is better, an oboe or bassoon?
A bassoon. It burns longer..

What is the difference between a French Horn and a weather reporter?
The weather reporter is more accurate..

What do you do when the second violinist dies?
Move him down a chair.

What do Kenny G and an AK-47 have in common?
They both repeat themselves 240 times a minute..

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake..

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2".

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive..

If you drop a lawyer and a trombone off a building, what do you get?

What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between a jazz musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four..

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed..

How do you tune 5 saxophones?
You shoot 4..

If a drummer and a banjo player caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
The cab driver..

How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven - if you lay them out correctly..

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.

Why don't viola players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them..

What is the difference between a drumline playing together and shoes in the dryer?

What's so tragic about a minivan with 5 drummers in it, running off the side of a cliff?
Most minivans can hold 7!.

A Story...

A 'C', an 'E-flat', and a 'G' go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A 'D' comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.