Doormat or Prize Fighter?
Which should I be? I can’t seem to find a happy medium. I try to hold my tongue and my temper and not say anything at all when I am being lambasted unreasonably, but then I lose respect for myself and become very depressed at my state of mind. Or I go the other route – I stand up for myself and fight to the death in defending myself, only to cause more hurt and anger. I worry about what is said, what I say and what is being said to me. The funny thing about word is that they echo – they repeat themselves and resound over and over again…especially when you are trying to empty your mind and move on.
Do I regret what is said? Oh yes, very often. I regret not being able to just shut my mouth and take it. I regret the need to constantly defend myself. I am tired of playing the role as the bad, good-for-nothing person who does nothing to help out. I would love to see what would happen if I actually fulfilled that role and did nothing - all those little things (and big things!) I do every day that everyone takes for granted. Anything not done in full view of the public with a neon sign attracting attention is ignored. I hate having to prove myself every single day.
So my dilemma is that I don’t know which role to take – the non-confrontational role (which makes me less of a person) or the full defense mode (which causes fights and problems). It sure would be a lot easier if I could just be myself and not be accused of sweeping, ridiculous crimes that we all know are not true.
