Ok, now it's time too look back at my resolutions and plans for 2009 and see just how accomplished or slackardly I was this year. Here's what I wrote on January 1 - my plans for this year, and my current thoughts (in red) as to how I did:
Here’s how 2009 will be WAY better:
Ok, so that's it! So now it's time for 2010...bring it on!
Photos from the family Christmas!
Merry? Christmas? I am really down today. Lots of reasons, but mainly I am alone today and the aloneness of my life is very glaring and apparent today and making me rethink things and think about my life in general. This sense of insignificance is overwhelming, and I am going to do something about it immediately. I am going to make a change, and the change is in ME! No, not talking about coin change...the real change - the kind that's really hard to do and stick to and make work but by golly I am gonna do it.
"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."
How true is that? I have been so focused on what I want changed in others, I have been forgetting about the parts of myself that need changing. The only thing I can really control is myself, and that's how is should be. No one can make
"It doesn't work to leap a twenty-foot chasm in two ten-foot jumps."
Interesting. So the best way to go about this is to just do it. Don't try little baby steps, jump right in for the big change. Ok....
It is Christmas Eve. Momentarily (or whenever everyone actually wakes up and gets dresed) I am off to visit my family in Lorain for the day. It would be so nice to be able to live closer to my family. I wonder if I will ever lose this feeling of being a visitor whenever the entire family is together. Because I don't see or talk to everyone on a daily basis, I miss out on the little things, the inside jokes, the details of life. Oh well, to quote my new mantra:
t's a weird Christmas. No decorations are up anywhere inside the house...not a one (other than the Christmas cards we received are hanging up on the wall). I wonder what that says about us? Hmmm....No Jan, stop over-analyzing.
I have a weird feeling about things today. Could be just because I am weird, but it also could be my 6th sense kicking in? Maybe?
The law of attraction is always working, whether you believe it or understand it or not....
It's working as much as you're thinking. Any time your thoughts are flowing, the law of attraction is working....
It's an ongoing process. You don't press pause, you don't press stop. It is forever in action, as your thoughts are.
Ok, so regardless of what I am doing or thinking, this
What you are thinking now is creating your future life. You create your life with your thoughts. Because you are always thinking, you are always creating. What you think about the most or focus on the most, is what will appear as your life.
In other words,
If you are complaining, the law of attraction will powerfully bring into your life more situations for you to complain about. If you are listening to someone else complain and focusing on that, sympathizing with them, agreeing with them, in that moment you are attracting more situations to yourself to complain about.
Oh yeah. I am living proof of that,. The gist of it is that if you surround yourself with negative, critical people, you eventually become one also! Duh! Just look at me! I hate what I've become. I feel powerless to stop the change. I guess I am really not as powerless as I think. It's in my own mind and what I am allowing entrance to my mind.
I have this great urge to take my thin red Sharpie marker and go through this book correcting grammar and punctuation. I won't...but am tempted. Just sayin'...
Last night we were in Detroit...did a quick getaway to the MGM Grande Casino. Casino Gambling is weird, it's a spectator sport for me because I just cannot afford to drop hundreds of dollars on a card game. I really can't afford that expensive hotel room either, but that's another story! Watching the diehard gamblers is very educational. It's amazing to see the people that honestly think this next hand they are dealt will be the life-changing hand, the one that makes their dreams come true and the heavens open up.I am almost jealous. I wish I had those optimistic dreams to believe in. Those who dream tend to make their dreams happen. I am determined to start dreaming again in 2010.
Love is a lot like shooting craps. You take turns getting a chance to shoot the dice. You take your turn, hoping you don't toss one di off the table and look like an idiot. You roll, and watch the numbers. Sometimes you get lucky, people cheer and are happy. Sometimes you crap out, lose your money. Do you walk away from the table, or do you put even more money on the table and take another chance? How many chips do you risk before you call it a night and head to your room? I think about this a lot. How much more? Where is the breaking point? Is there a breaking point? How close are we? What is plan B? Plan C? Plan U-V-W-X-Y-Z?
o, I am not worried about anything in particular. I found this quote in a book I was reading and it struck me as very true, and something that I should remember in the future. I was tempted to bend a corner back on the book to mark the page so I would remember to put the quote here, but then I remembered it's not my book! I stole a scrap paper from the table to mark it...me a good book-borrower (except when I splatter spaghetti sauce on the pages as I am reading!).
Anyways, worry is such a
Whoops, it's actually Saturday, Dec. 19. The clock says 12:06am! I spent tonight painting and working on code for my website (yep, I am still a geek). This weekend is my first weekend without a band performance/school event since the 2nd week of August...oh yeah!
I was sad today - Kevin took overtime for Christmas Day. This means I spent Christmas Day all alone, plus since he is working I also have to spend New Year' Eve all alone, plus since he insisted on moving his family's Christmas to a date he knows I cannot make (due to going to Cloverdale), I will miss that also. Quite a depressing look at my holiday season. Then he called tonight and after a short chat we decided to go to Detroit Sunday and stay a night at the MGM Grande Hotel and Casino...do a little gambling and have some fun adult time. I am really looking forward to this because we haven't done anything special together in a long time...years!
I am angry at myself for my lack of activity and exercise. My terrible procrastination I have suffered with all month has left me so disorganized that i spent every evening in the month of December working. Nope, no workouts, no exercise, nothing. I am such a lump. Gotta change that...need to get strong for the show season!
I have a reading assignment from my horse trainer. She is making a valiant effort to fix my brain. Yes, my brain is inhibiting my horse and I from performing at our best. Can you believe I think too much while riding? Yah, it's true. Just shows you that anything is possible!
I am going to randomly spew quotes from this book as the spirit moves me. Here goes the first one:
"When you say to yourself, "I am going to have a pleasant visit or a pleasant journey," you are literally sending elements and forces ahead of your body that will arrange things to make your visit or journey pleasant. When before the visit or the journey or the shopping trip you are in a bad humor, or fearful or apprehensive of something unpleasant, you are sending unseen agencies ahead of you which will make some kind of unpleasantness. Our thoughts, or in other words, our state of mind, is ever at work 'fixing up' things good or bad in advance."
OK, I get the idea that he is trying to put forth. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that my mind is able to actually be a tangible force that can move things and make things happen. Can it really? I don't get the "Unseen agencies" that my mind sends out whenever I am in a negative thought spiral. Does that really happen, or is it just my own personal attitude colors my experience. Would my experience be the same regardless of my attitude, but the way I view it change? Or do the actual events change in accordance with my attitude? Lots to think about.
I am going to experiment tomorrow with this. Only positive, forward-thinking thoughts. I am going to attack the morning like I am the world champion of all that is band-related, then attack my stall cleaning like the champion cleaner I am (and yes, I gave up my amateur card on stall cleaning years ago!). Then I will paint like Michelangelo, and then mull over some more JavaScript learning I am trying so hard to figure out (but am so lost!). Speaking of than - anyone have an online JavaScript course they can recommend - one that awards graduate credit hours? I need one!
Stay tuned for tomorrow's episode of
Things are so weird...down one minute, up the next. Roller coaster ride, slip and slide, teeter-totter, Jekyll and Hyde, Bipolar/Schizophrenic with a bit of Manic-Depressive tendencies... How is one to stay consistent in life when life is so darn inconsistent?
Oh yeah...
I am trying to figure out how I arrived at this place. What crazy, convoluted map was I using? I am in a place that is so incredibly bad for me mentally that I am really feeling the futility. It is odd how we follow the little turns and twists on the roads and end up in a place far from where we expected to go. Where was my GPS? Did I just ignore the voice telling me to take a left, and instead I kept on straight? Did I keep ignoring the voice repeatedly telling me to make a safe U-turn, or to take the next road to the left? All the GPS's in the world are pretty pointless if you don't actually follow them. I think maybe instead I got out my old, worn-out paper map and started reading it upside down or sideways.
Suddenly it is winter! Yesterday we played at the last football game of the season - the state championships. The football team lost, but the band was awesome! Even though it has been kind of winter-like for most people, it is still the fall when i am still doing football games. So today I wake up, prepare for the marching band's last performance of the year this afternoon, and look up the weather to see a potential major snowstorm coming on Tuesday night though Wednesday. Yuck. With our Christmas concert next Sunday and the fruit arriving on Tuesday, this is NOT the week to get snow!
I need to type fast, because in 3 minutes it will be December 5 and my title will be invalid, and you know what a stickler I am for details!
There is my inspirational thought for the day...the month..the year...the millennium. I am very ordinary right now. I am so ordinary, I am slightly bored with my own thoughts. I need to become extraordinary again. The problem is that if i strive to become something special and achieve it, I will just be told that I am arrogant and "about me" and then any gains I have made in self-confidence and accomplishment are gone in a puff of smoke. I am working on keeping my thoughts, dreams, and goals silent. I am also keeping silent the things I do accomplish, the milestones I reach, the battles won. It's sad - I celebrate the good things alone, and I agonize over my own troubles alone. Weird...what a weird life I lead.
Back to the topic at hand - becoming extraordinary. What a strange word, because if you separate them it is "extra" and "ordinary". I mean, who wants to be ordinary anyways? Being extra ordinary just means you are more ordinary than most. Hmmm, but wouldn't that mean then that because you are more than ordinary you really aren't ordinary any more? I am going to have to mull that one over.
It is obvious I am definitely not in a mood to be inspired nor think deep thoughts and make startling personal revelations about myself and my psyche. I just want to relax, laugh,and have fun. I want MY OWN TIME to do (or not do) whatever I want, without worrying about a time schedule. I also want to stay warm. that looks to be about impossible tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, it is. Time for me to go to bed!
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It's like an unopened gift never delivered.
Ironic. I open my e-mail and read this in my Monday morning meditation that is sent to me weekly. Yeah. IO sit here for a millisecond and think about how insane my life has been and is becoming even more so because of work. I remind myself that time is valuable, but enjoy every moment I live even if it is at work, because these moments are moments that are MINE and no one else's, and someday I will look back and cherish them.
Yeah, RIGHT
Then I hear that I have yet another work requirement added to my schedule this week - Friday night. I cannot believe it. I can't even have ONE freaking evening to myself. That means every night this week is booked with work, plus ALL day and evening Saturday, ALL day Sunday, every day next week, and BOTH days next weekend, oh yes and then every day the following week. Bitter? Burned out? You betcha! Unappreciated? Taken for granted? As usual! Oh yeah, and I am supposedly arrogant about this great slave-driving job that whips on me and makes me give up my free time on a moment's notice and be available for whatever reason?
I am just fried, I guess. I love my job. It's just hard not to have a haven to go to - my job is stressful, but even home is stressful, and there is no time to be with the horses (who are the least stressful thing in my life right now). I am having a major pity-party here because no one could understand, and no one really wants to. I guess it's my life, whatever it may be. Enjoy the moments, right? Open the unopened gift of my day and be happy :-]
Why do so many people want to see others fail? Even those closest to you have a secret desire to see you crash and burn. Confidence is a killer, it seems. If you have it, that means you are arrogant, self-serving, thoughtless, selfish. If you don't have it, then you are weak, worthless, irrelevant, inconsequential. If you pretend to have it, well who are you really fooling anyways?
You know, that's a load of crap. Whether or not you give consent for someone to drag you down, it sometimes happens. It's not like I go around giving out permission to squash me and make me feel less than a bug! Just in case, let it be known that NO, you do NOT have permission to make me feel inferior! There, think that will work? Ack, who cares? People will think what they think and assume they can know everything happening in your mind, and as hard as you try to make yourself understood, they are going to think what they want anyways. And what people want to think is the negative. It's always more fun to look down on someone else, call out their faults. You know why? Because - by calling out someone else's faults it makes YOU feel superior (and in a way - arrogant!). Enjoy yourself! Like the line in the great classic song Dust in the Wind.....we aren't the earth or the sky, are we?
I feel so smart today. I made an Excel spreadsheet for my horse budget without even knowing how to work excel. I just figured it out...imagine that! Numbers numbers numbers, I do despise numbers. Do I really and to see what I spent this year? Well, sure, since it is far less than years past (other than the HUGE vet bill trying to save Lazlo. You know, I really can't complain. I am doing OK - just fine! The way life works is that when several areas of your life are going splendidly, there is always one area of your life that is rock bottom. One cannot have a perfect life, it's just not possible! My horses are doing well, my job is going great, I am healthy, family is healthy, finances are secure, trucks are running....
You Know, I looked back in my past years' blogs, and I haven't done a thanksgiving-Thank-You post since 2005! Whatz up with that? Everyone has been all over Facebook letting the world know what they are thankful for. I decided to take a trip back in time to 2005 and re-post my 'Thankful' list and see if anything has changed since then:
Cool jazz concert tonight. I played a few wrong notes, but less than usual so it's all good! It was a nice distraction from endless football games, fruit sale spreadsheets, and dealing with dramatic poopstain personalities. My goal for this week is to keep life at an even keel - keep my strong emotions at bay. It seems my extreme happiness or my extreme anger makes others uncomfortable.
Happiness is best to be slightly hidden sometimes. I have discovered that very few people want to see someone else really happy...especially if they are not. We all want to be the happiest person in the room. Doesn't that mean we are the most successful, the best at what we do (which is life)?
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.- Abraham Lincoln
Very true...eh? It seems I am responsible for my own happiness. Yeah, big revelation, eh? Hey, I am a slow learner. I cannot look to others to provide the means for my happiness. I am in charge!
The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
Oh really? OK, let's see if I have the Grand essentials in my own life.
Yep, looks like I've got happiness in SPADES!
Pretty classy, eh? In case you haven't noticed, my Blog just became fancier. I love doing this stuff. I am such a computer geek. No one would realize that by looking at me. I fit into so many different stereotypes, none of them true! For instance...
What is wrong with me lately? I cannot get on task, and cannot stay on task. I waste tons of time, go to bed terribly late, wake up extra early and still end up to work late, I just can't get myself to stay focused. Last night I did get on focus a bit and that was good. I arranged some music, and actually worked through it and finished it. However, I was constantly distracted and kept wandering off in my mind (and sometimes my body).
I think I am getting a touch of OCD, seriously! Unfortunately I am not OCD-ing about useful things that would help me out. Yes, I am doing more harm than good in many areas of my life. It's like a terrible downward spiral and I am drowning. Whew...that's a double-whammy of a cliche!
OK, stop freaking out! Life is good. Taylor is still pregnant and doing well. Corky is doing well right now - well enough to actually give me hope for the future! Band is going awesome (for the most part, other than a few glitches) and I haven't gotten in trouble since February,. Woo-hoo, a new personal record! Here are two things going very well for me:
It's weird how life works. When one or two major areas of your life are doing well, there is always one other major area of your life that is turning into a disaster. I don't know how to make it so that the disaster turns good without changing a different life area into a disaster.
My work life is going great, for the most part. Things are going well, and the majority of my work feels successful. My horses are doing well and things seem to be looking up. My music is strong. My personal life...not so much. I have been trying to fix things but it's impossible when you are swimming alone upstream.
For the past 2 months I have been swamped with work. I have been eating dinner on average around 9:30-10pm every night. Work all day, marching band practice after work, catching up on work at work after practice, then off to the barn to clean stalls (no time to ride, of course!), then I stumble home for some nourishment. After my 10pm supper I work on my computer, catch up on e-mails, and try to wind down. *yawn*
Sunday Taylor showed MAJOR signs of being in heat. This is potentially a disaster, and could mean she lost the foal. I cannot fathom this happening to me. I have the worst luck. My life seems to be either at the top of the world, or down below the ground. Can I just cruise along for a while on the middle ground?
Other than that, work is going well, Corky is doing well, no major disasters on the personal life...so I guess that is a bit like cruising on the middle ground. As long as I can avoid the lightning strikes, I can handle the rainstorm.
I am feeling burned out today. OK, so I guess the burned out feeling has been for the past several weeks. I am looking at 7 more weeks of football, and it is killing me to think of all that hard work and time spent away from home (and dealing with complaints and other bureaucratic crap!). You know, I really need to stop whining. I am lucky to have a job - a good, steady, FUN job that for the most part I enjoy. Things could be so much worse!
I ordered a new laptop on Monday. I am just geekish enough to be totally excited about this (plus the fact that I paid extra to make it purple-striped is doubly exciting!). I am hoping to branch out into more web design, web uploading, video and photo editing. That should pay better than artwork, and be less tedious.
I was sitting here ready to whine and complain about the weather when I noticed that despite the large gap in time from my last blog entry, that one also was a big whine about the weather. It is mid-October, the weather has been rainy and cold for WEEKS now, and they are even calling for snow today and tomorrow. What is up with that? It's a good year to skip Congress. Yes, I skipped showing at Congress this year. I took a look at my finances in August, and after the HUGE vet bills and expenses with Lazlo's surgery, I decided I needed to be the responsible adult and just say no this year. Yuck. Being an adult sucks.
Let me catch you up on the past 3 months. We found a house - perfect - 2,000 square foot 4br/3 bath on 4 acres in a nice area out in the country only 4 miles down the road from my barn. They accepted our offer, we put earnest money down, and it failed inspection (namely the septic system). So, I will remain here on Hazel probably for the rest of my life. *sigh*. I packed up just about everything I own. We were supposed to move October 1. I still haven't unpacked. BIG disappointment.
My show season ended with Corky - we had some ups and downs in training, had some really good shows and some not-so-good ones. Taylor's pregnancy is progressing right along. I am in the midst of an undefeated football season and I am swamped. My life consist of
The weather sure doesn't help. October is usually really nice. Dry, semi-warm weather, riding out in the pasture, nope...not this year! It's a good year to skip Congress.
Here it is 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday. I am fully dressed, teeth brushed, almost ready to face the world. Dang! I step outside (because I had a sneaking suspicion) and it is thundering off in the distance, and lightning is flashing off to the northwest. I come back in and check the weather.com site. Yep, It has been upgraded (or downgraded, depending on your viewpoint) to 80% chance of thunderstorms (some may be severe). So...no show for me today. Here I am, a bit wire (since I already ingested my morning caffeine), a little cranky. This has NOT been a good week. Granted, it's been a hell of a lot worse for some other people in my life, but this week started tumbling downhill last weekend and has stayed pretty much in the pit ever since. Even my horses are not cooperating (with Corky that's no real surprise there!).
I hear the rumbling outside. My head is rumbling inside, and so is my stomach...looking for breakfast that now won't come for another few hours. You know, I am NOT in a good mood. I came home yesterday feeling very down in the dumps, I managed to fake it through a function, but crashed to the depths again (and took it out on Kevin, unfortunately). I am just a little sad right now. I don't deal well with sadness...
OK, going to the couch to take a nap. Here's to waking up to a sunny day (in my mind only - if I wake up and it is sunny outside I am going to be p*ssed at myself for skipping the show LOL!).
Today my brother-in-law passed away from a heart attack. This is Kevin's sister's husband. I have always felt very close to her, and his death really bothers me...more for the impact it will have on her life and her emotions. I hate death, I hate the thought of it and I have a very hard time facing it.
Kevin and I talked about our own deaths...what the other person should or would do. We both feel we have some planning to do to make sure the other person has an easier time of it. The thought of writing a will scares me. Who do I trust my horses to? What about Pasta and Milkshake? Will someone else love my purple truck as much as I do? What will happen to my horse trailer with the living quarters that my dad lovingly built? What about my paintings?
I guess my biggest fear is that I will die and be forgotten. Not having any children means that I leave behind nothing - no legacy and no one that can call me an ancestor. It's frightening to think that when I am gone, I will be completely forgotten. I told Kevin I want him to keep paying on my website server. I want that to go on...in the hopes that someone might come across it one day in the future and remember me. It's so scary to know how irrelevant I am - when I am gone, who would really notice after the first week or so? Would I even be remembered years into the future? I won't be a memory on anyone's mind. Inconsequential....
I hate it when someone treats me like I am stupid, or talks to me like I am stupid. Especially when it is done day after day, time and time again...every mistake I might made is blasted in neon for everyone to see and I am made to feel like only an idiot would make a mistake like that. It's frustrating when you have to deal with people and situations like that. I am NOT going to take it any more. I will remove myself from any and all situations where someone is working hard to make me feel inferior. That's the smart thing to do. Life is too short to be annoyed all day long!
When is it the right time to give up, to call it quits? How can you decide when you are just chasing your tail, and that you are destined to go up and down the same path until you just give up on that dang path and find another road? I wish I knew the answer. I have never been a quitter...I HATE giving up. But at what point do you need to face the fact that you are just being stupid and wasting your time when you should be pursuing things in a completely new direction? /p>
Anyone have an answer?
I love this kind of thinking. I saw this on a magnet in Chinatown (San Francisco) and took a pic of it with my phone (gotta love those cell cameras!). Sometimes I want to smack all the naysayers and tell them to git outta my way! Sometimes it's myself I want to smack...that negative voice inside of me that loves to tear me down, remind me of my failures, and convince me that I can do nothing right.
I just keep plugging away, plugging plugging, plugging. At present time I am waiting for a little nugget of success...somewhere.
Today was lovely - sunny, warm, and low humidity. Pasta enjoyed it.
An old woman sitting directly behind me in church collapsed today. She's going to be alright (Kevin was on the rescue call, coincidentally!). These kinds of things really affect me. I don't handle them very well. The thought of mortality (of others', not my own) really really frightens me. I wish I could be the first to go before anyone else that is important to me, but I am afraid that's not how it works, and I will have to deal with the losses time and time again. It's scary.
I wonder about eternity, that kind of scares me also.
I am feeling rather emotional the past few days. Not sure why, but I am worried about a lot of big issues that aren't even issues (yet).
One more Pasta pic, just for kicks. She is so sweet.
Blahbuddy blah. I know you missed my blog, so I am improvising. Stinking blog code won't work anymore..dangit! I refuse to join the masses in using a free blog site...no way, man! I want complete and total control over my blog (unlike my life!).
I just returned from an 11 day trip to California - hiking Yosemite. You know you wanna see the pics!
I am back into the swing of things...went to a small open show today to school Corky. She was baaaaad but the judge loved her (judge said she was "freaking awesome" which is an odd comment for a judge to make to an exhibitor). Oh well...gonna crack down and get her working this week to be ready for a big show next weekend. In the midst of all that, I have a crapton of music to organize and CHARTS to write! Dangit Rabbit git off this blog and git to work!!! Ok...
Why can't it be summer all year long? :-]
What is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person…In passion, the body and spirit seek expression…The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so.
—John Boorman, Film Director
What an awesome quote. I went back this morning and checked the ‘comments’ section of this blog. I am so bad, I always forget to check them periodically…and found some wonderful, uplifting comments left to me after Lazlo died. This quote came from a friend several states away. I read it over 3-4 times and really thought about what it said.
I guess, if I had a choice, I’d take the passion – the huge emotional times, good or bad – over a life of passionless, drab, even-keel existence. I’ve had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I know of people who tend to live their lives in a monotone – never experiencing the true incredible joy of a huge goal reached or a major accomplishment achieved, but nor do they experience the devastating loss and heartbreak when things plummet. I don’t want to be like that. I have to accept the lows in order to truly enjoy the highs, because that is real living.
OK, so now I am ready for some great highs…come on, bring it on! I am due!!!!
OK, so I found a great property for us:
6.13 acres only a block for the barn where my horses are at. It was at an affordable price, on a quiet country road, and Kevin and I loved it.
REALITY CHECKOK, so it wasn’t the perfect property. It had potential. Unfortunately, I don’t have potential. I have none. My salary is my salary and it is what it is. I think I was destined to get a college degree and become poor white trash. OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I guess I can’t afford my half, I could afford it but would I ever be able to afford to do anything with it? It’s depressing to think that I am where I am and that’s where I am staying.
In some areas of my life, I do very well. I have two high quality horses that others would kill to own. I board at a wonderful place owned by a great friend, I have a great horse trailer with awesome LQs (built by my dad who totally rocks), I have a 14 year old truck with ZERO luxuries but is completely reliable and runs great. I live in a house that as of last month is paid for. Things are really OK with me, as long as I don’t try living outside my means and being more than what I was destined to be. This is my life…it is what it is.
I am buying a lottery ticket tomorrow. Things could change dramatically for only $1.00. Hey…gotta dream, right?
Today I am recharging my batteries. The power is pretty low! Last night we had our big spring band concert. It went well…no one cried, fell off the platform, or fainted. Only a few instruments broke right before the concert (*insert big eye-rolling right here*). No matter how many excuses a young trumpet player can make, those dang valves did NOT jump up and switch into the wrong casings by themselves!
I think it is cold and rainy again outside. I am not sure. I don’t have windows (have I mentioned that at least 1,000 times already?). All I know is that it is May and I am sitting in a hooded sweatshirt and I am shivering because the foolish people at this place insist on turning the a/c on and freezing us out…even though it is only around 60 degrees outside. What a waste. Yeah… and they can’t afford salary raises for the teachers….(*insert another big eye-rolling right here*).
Now, on to other things. Time to start getting serious about the show season (as if I haven’t already been serious about it my whole life!). Time to focus on marching band. Time to say a nightly prayer that Taylor gets pregnant on the only try left I have this year. Oh yeah, need to plant another money tree because mine done died.
This morning we have a 2 hour delay for fog. Normally this would be an occasion of JOY! Who doesn’t love a surprise fog delay? Ugh…NOT on the day of my big spring concert, when I have a zillion rehearsals to run, the program hasn’t even been printed yet, and I have a million of little details to take care of. Why couldn’t this delay happen tomorrow? That would be a true blessing! Oh well, you know me, never really satisfied with the good stuff.
Today’s curse would also be if for some weird reason school got canceled (which I doubt since it seems the fog has lifted). I would have a disaster on my hands for tonight, plus we would have to make this day up in June…YUCK!
Yup…never satisfied!
OK, so yesterday’s mail was a bit emotional. Here’s what appeared in my mailbox, in the order I opened them:
Today is sunny, 70, and I get to spend the day outside instead of teaching inside. I will heal myself in the glorious warmth of the sun, and think of all the good things I have going on in my life!
I need about 10 more hours added on to each day this week. There is too much stuff to do – and I am talking work related stuff (yuck!). Our big spring concert is Thursday. Dress rehearsals all day Wednesday. Wednesday evening Taylor heads to the breeding farm in Ft. Wayne. Tuesday all day I unload and sort plants and flowers for the band fundraiser. Friday I leave for Cleveland to spend with family. In between all that I need to get stalls cleaned, laundry done, my desk organized, band projects graded, argh!
I wonder what our lives would be like if days were 34 hours long instead of 24. Would we sleep more? Would we just end up working longer hours at our jobs, or would we work the same hours but have a lot more free time to spend doing our own thing? It’s an interesting concept…if we could slow the earth’s rotation down a bit to add the extra 10 hours. I would want those 10 hours to be daylight, but I suppose it would be impossible…half would have to be night. That’s OK…I can get a lot done at night!
Imagine if humans didn’t need to sleep. We’d have all those extra overnight hours to do stuff. I’d develop a few new hobbies, or spend more time doing the ones I have. I think I’d be a neater person because I wouldn’t be in that eternal rush I am always in, and would have time to properly put things away and take care of things. That would be cool…that would cut out a large segment of stress in my life. However, I imagine that stress would just be replaced by some other cause for stress. We as humans are destined to stress, worry and fret about things out of our control.
OK, this is a personal pep talk to myself. You can leave if you’d like.
Yeah, I get it. Taylor is not pregnant. Once again fate has spit in your eye. It’s been 5 years since you had a living, healthy foal past 30 days. You work your butt off only to have people who don’t give a damn or work half as hard end up with success that YOU deserve.
Get over it.
Screw fate.
Get up and try again.
It’s another yucky, crappy day. I sat this morning in church and wondered about things…about what is ‘fair’ and why the world is so unbalanced in regards to fairness. Some people have it all, some people have nothing, some are in-between. I get angry with myself for still having faith sometimes, because I feel foolish in always hanging on to that shred of hope. It’s so hard, because if I have nothing to look forward to, I have nothing to live for…so I have to find something.
Speaking of fairness, we will see just how fair and just my world really is tomorrow. Taylor gets checked for pregnancy tomorrow. I am fairly convinced she is not pregnant, based on my observations and my knowledge of my own bad luck. Wouldn’t it be more ‘fair’ if she was pregnant…giving me another chance? It would certainly help me in two areas – my pocketbook, and my feelings of hope (or the lack thereof). Would it be fair to take this away from me after the last two breeding disasters? We shall see…stay tuned.
Most people call a day like today “grey”. I find grey a rather warm color with cool overtones. Today is more ecru, beige, taupe, yucky blah. Not high, not low. Not warm, not cold. Just blah. I feel blah. It is a misty cold rain outside, and following a sunny 80 degree day it makes it doubly hard to take.
I have on some really nice black pants today…they have 3 splashes of bleach near the bottom which look weird. I colored them with a permanent marker this morning and they looked pretty good, but by lunchtime the marker had faded to a brown color. Isn’t that surprising? I guess if I wear these pants from now on I will have to schedule times of the day to re-color the spots.
The next 2 weeks are really socked in at work...”crunch time”! I need to make sure I get a good night’s sleep every night. Gah I sound so old and grandmotherly…what happened to the days when I could go on 4 hours of sleep for an entire week and still be productive?
One day at a time — this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;
and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.
Today is a beautiful day. I plan to keep it’s beauty and enjoy it…who knows how many of these days remain.
Today I am beat. I feel like I have been ripped apart and then taped together by some cheap Scotch tape. I stepped out of the shower today and noticed a purple swollen bruise on the front of my shin from where Lazlo accidentally kicked me on Saturday night when I was holding him down for the vet. How can a bruise make you cry…5 days later? I am such a waste.
Today I finally started answering my phone again, and took the call from the vet in Kentucky who wanted to discuss Lazlo’s case. What is there left to say that hasn’t been already said?
I am forcing myself to look towards the future, because I am losing respect for myself the way I am wallowing in what shoulda-coulda-woulda been. Taylor quite possibly is pregnant again, though I highly doubt it. I called to make the appointment, and she gets checked next Thursday. I don’t think she is pregnant, so the big decision time comes. Do I just eat the stud fee, or do I spend more money, throw good money after bad, and try to breed again? I want another Lazlo, but that is impossible – she is booked to be bred to a different stallion, and anyways there can never be another Lazlo. I waited so long for a boy to name that very special name…*sigh*
On a better note, the temperatures are supposed to be sunny and warm (70’s) all weekend. I will definitely be doing some horse therapy and letting Corky cheer me up. Knowing her, she’ll probably buck me off in front of everyone just for spite!
Life does go on. It’s weird, it just keeps trudging along and dragging me with it (kicking and screaming). I am getting better, so call off the mental police. I will survive (what a great song!).
I feel angry today. Taylor is depressed. Corky does her best to comfort her. It’s amazing to watch those two communicate. We are like a family of three struggling to move on together.
I am working hard not to lose my faith. It’s a lot easier to blame God and get mad. It doesn’t accomplish much, though.
I am amazed at the large amount of support and good thoughts from people. I never realized so many people cared. It does make me feel a lot better.
I am trying very hard to hold it all together today. I am not letting myself think at all. It’s so hard. I am so down, I really have no energy nor any will to do anything. I am angry – angry at God, at life, at everyone else who puts HALF the amount of effort and work into their things but have twice the success. I am angry at the unfairness of it all, and am wondering when I am going to get a break – when is it going to be MY turn? I thought 2009 was supposed to be MY year? What have I done to deserve this? Why do I even bother? Why even try to be a good person? The rotten people have all the luck and all the breaks. There just isn’t any point anymore.
Don’t you think real life would be better served…um…in real life? I mean, reading personal blogs in your spare time is amusing and entertaining for the most part, but it only gives a snippet of information based on the 90 seconds it took to type it out at any given moment. Maybe, just maybe, if you want to know how someone is doing, you actually speak to them in person, and ask them? Hell, even pick up the phone and call to chat! It’s pure laziness to ignore reality and just read sporadic stuff spewed in a blog like this one and take it without bothering to communicate or talk in real life. Just a thought.This blog is just a mishmash of things that pop into my head at a specific moment when I happen to be sitting at the computer with a free moment. It does not in any way describe nor depict my life as a whole…got it? If you are interested, then talk. Otherwise, go surf on some other inane website…there are plenty of them out there.
I picked up 40 bales of really crappy alfalfa today. I drove 30mph to the barn (yes…40 of the 80-pound bales were balanced in the back of my truck!), parked in the driveway, and wheelbarrowed 2 bales at a time down the drive, through the mud corral, across the arena, to my stalls…where I stacked them. Two by two…all by myself. This leads to the question WHY? Why was a 41 year old woman unloading over 3200 pounds of hay by herself? Answer: Because I had no choice. Unfortunately, I have to do these things alone. It sucks, let me tell you. About halfway through the unloading, I had a complete mental breakdown and started bawling like an idiot. I finished by myself (with hay chaff in my nose and eyes…ugh). The thing is – I did get it done…all alone. Never again will I count on anyone else, time to face facts about reality. Next time I will pay someone to help me.
What totally bites is that this is really crappy hay, but I am stuck with it ($220 later).
My back hurts horribly bad. My neck hurts. I have bruises on the tops of my legs from swinging the bales against them. My hands are raw (yes I wore gloves). All in all that isn’t so unusual from stacking hay. It just hurts more when you have to go at it alone, and you know that everyone else in the universe has people that will help.
Ok, pity party over. I spent most of the evening feeling very sorry for myself. Now I am OK, glad it’s done, and hoping and praying my back is OK in the morning.
I noticed a habit this weekend. It’s not just from this weekend, but for months now…I have just been noticing it more lately. I wake up early, have lots of time to get ready and prepare for whatever I am going to do, but then zone out and waste time and end up rushing like a crazy person to leave on time. For instance - last night is a good example. I had all evening to get stuff done. Now granted, I did work a LOT on some music I was writing for junior high band. I didn’t get any painting done. I got distracted watching the Apprentice, and next thing I know it is 11pm and I haven’t done the dishes, haven’t put my laundry away, haven’t finished the music I was working on, haven’t fed Pasta, haven’t synced my Ipod, and the list goes on and on. I wish I could be more organized with my time. I am so organized when it comes to my schedule, but when it comes to doing menial household and personal tasks, things just get haphazard.
Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient
Interesting thought…in order to be happy you must be self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone else. Hmmmm….. is that true? Can we live our lives like an island, counting and relying only on ourselves 100% of the time?
Along that line…in a different tangent:
Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.
Sooo…you have to be self-sufficient and independent, yet work to benefit and help others. Since you need others to benefit in order to make that statement true, in essence you are depending on them to be needy, so you aren’t truly self-sufficient, are you?
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
Man, that’s hard….
For your information, I fell off the bubble last night and squarely into a bad, bad mood. Sorry…I took it out on everyone and I don’t know why. :-[
Right now at this very moment I am on the bubble between good mood/bad mood. I had a very tiring day – not necessarily bad, but tiring and perplexing. I fought the after-work crowds at Wal-Mart because I was OUT of pretzels and ravioli. I came home and did some odds and ends on the computer (i.e. read the forums, checked Facebook, etc.). I am poised – I am going to drop on once side of the fence or the other – good mood/bad mood. Which will it be? I am not overly excited, not too optimistic, not really looking forward to anything in particular, not dreading anything in particular, not overly worried, no more stress than normal, I dunno.
I am going to control the attitudes of the people around me. I did a little experiment today and it seemed to work. I am going to see what kind of power I have in influencing those who are trapped with me.
I was driving to work this morning and heard a commercial for a ’senior living community’ and started thinking about what will become of me when I get old. I actually had a moment of brief panic. What will I do? I have a very small retirement coming to me, and I am not in a position where I will be taken care of for life…I am pretty much on my own. I guess the scariest thing is realizing that when it all goes down the drain I will be totally and completely alone – no kids and no family. It’s a frightening thought. All the ’stuff’ I have accumulated will be in a garbage dump somewhere since I have no one that would value or cherish anything of mine in remembrance or as part of their ancestry. I leave no legacy behind, so once I am gone my life will fizzle out and not even be a memory with anyone. I will leave nothing, no one. How scary is that to think that when you are gone, you will really and truly be GONE…disappeared from peoples’ memories and the family tree branch will end abruptly with me.
Normally I scoff at these thoughts as they are far far far into the distant future, but now I find my distant future isn’t so distant anymore and it is looming closer and closer every year. Wow…depressing thoughts! Now that we are all doom, gloom, and suicidal……have a nice day!
I am back from the band trip to Florida…all went well, the band rocked, we had a good time, and we didn’t lose anyone (Yay!).
I suffered from serious horse withdrawal! Above is a photo of Lazlo and I on the evening after he was born. I am going tomorrow to see him again. I can’t wait to bring him and Taylor home and start the bonding, imprinting, and training process. I love babies (the horse kind).
I always hate coming home after a long period away. It’s so hard getting back to normal. It’s also hard accepting the fact that although you might have had life-changing experiences while you were gone, when you arrive home it’s the same old same old…same circular crap winding down the drain.
April starts this coming week…the month I really feel is the true start of spring. Time to get cracking! Show season is upon us.
Taylor foaled around 1:30am!!!!!
See my riding/training diary on my website for details!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t type any more I am too excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spring 2009…aaahhhhhhh. Of course it is rather chilly today – high of 40, but the sun is shining and today is the first official day of spring, so it is really here (whether or not we believe it!). Spring always makes me feel optimism for the future (meaning the summer). What will happen this year? Will it be successful? Will I have great moments to cherish? Will disaster strike? Will I live to see another spring?
Never give out while there is hope; but hope not beyond reason, for that shows more desire than judgment
I have high hopes for this upcoming show season, but I don’t think they are unreasonable. I hope that I am successful and things fall into place, but I do not truly believe that everything will be great and hunky-dorey. I do believe that I will bust my butt to make my hopes fulfilled, what more can I do? Do what you can, and let the chips fall where they may…and get some great photographs along the way :-]
Tomorrow: Junior High solo and ensemble contest. Sunday: leaving with the marching band for Florida until Friday. Any day now: Taylor will give birth. So much to think about, so much to plan for, so many lists to make and execute. Argh! It’s taxing my meager organizational skills!
This morning I am putting off dealing with unpleasant tasks. I am working on an empty stomach…in frustration I have given up eating anything in the mornings until my lunch of pretzels. I’ve got to do something! No caffeine after 8pm, no breakfast, no snacking (for the most part LOL!). It’s killing me!
I saw this on a license plate yesterday. I like it! I often refer to myself as ‘non-standard’, but ‘un-normal’ works too. Of course, the vehicle with this license plate was a creepy white panel van with a ton of bumper stickers on the back window. I tried to get close enough to read the bumper stickers but most were too small. I am sure they had scads of wisdom to impart.
Do you ever have those moments in your life where you feel really down and want just buckets of sympathy and understanding from someone? Do you ever actually get it? Just wondering…
I am gearing up this morning for a boatload of work. I have junior high solo and ensemble contest on Saturday, and then Sunday I leave with the marching band for Florida until Friday. Lots of crazy paperwork, crazy packing, mega-lists, organization (NOT my strong suit!), and sleepless nights thinking about all the things that still need done. It’s a unique position I am in. The buck truly does stop HERE. I have no assistants, no underlings or helpers to pawn some of the work off or delegate, no one that answers to me but myself. I am 100% in charge and in control of all these facets, and it’s downright scary. The really fun thing about this job is that I get zero credit, but all of the blame if things don’t work out perfectly. No wonder I haven’t slept since January….it’s a lot to take on by myself. I always have this tiny feeling of inadequacy – like I am not quite on top of things, not quite good enough, and not quite organized or knowledgeable enough to handle any and all problems. It’s a scary place to be. Is that normal, or un-normal?
On the plus side, yesterday it was sunny and 70 degrees. That makes me very happy. Spring is approaching, and while I don’t have the happy optimism about the upcoming show season that I did a few weeks ago, I am still looking forward to the challenge.
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.
Today was a hugely frustrating and disappointing day. I am frustrated that my months and months of hard work with Corky just fell FLAT when I hauled her to a show today to ride around in the crowds. It was awful…training went out the window. I am at a loss…not sure what my next step should be. I am totally on this road alone now, and it’s hard.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
No ease and quiet here, that’s for sure! I think tomorrow I am going to relax, and do NOTHING horse-related or work-related…nothing at all but complete self-indulgence and frippery (what exactly is frippery, I don’t know, but I am going to find out and start enjoying some of it!).
The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
That makes sense, doesn’t it? I think I have all the bases covered. I definitely have something to do…there are many things and people that I love, and wow do I have stuff to hope for! I could live with a little less of #1 though.
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
This is what I am working on today…this weekend. I need to change back into being an optimist rather than a pessimist. It’s way easier to be happy being an optimist, I have found! So…here are a list of things I am convinced will happen, because I am optimistic!
OK, one more entry for today…
Worry gives a small thing a big shadow.
This is true…I feel that this morning I am worrying about things not really even an issue yet. I am spending my morning stressing over something that may or may not become an issue, making it HUGE in my mind. Silly me!
Here’s a great one:
There is no use worrying about things over which you have no control, and if you have control, you can do something about them instead of worrying.
Got that, Rabbit? Shaddup already! Either DO something about it, or quit stressing about it. What will be will be….THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS!
I swear…some people make me want to like on a small island in the Caribbean. I am just so frustrated with unreasonable people that cannot see beyond their own desires, greed, and self-importance. I dragged my feet coming to work today, and I most likely will drag my feet coming to work again tomorrow. TGIF tomorrow! I wonder sometimes if all this work I put into my job is really worth it. Is it? I agonize and stress over details that everyone else takes for granted, assumes I will take care of everything and cater to everyone’s wishes. I think I would fall over in a faint if I ever got a genuine “thank you” from someone…I mean a REAL one, not one tacked on 5 minutes after thanking an entire list of people…then oops! remembering me.
Days like today make me wonder if I’d get more satisfaction and less stress working in a factory somewhere, doing a mindless, brainless task that didn’t require me to have any human interaction. Then I remember the news I got yesterday, that two of my students were accepted into a premier college of music for next year…students that I have taught the past 8 years…and I feel like maybe (just maybe) I have accomplished a little something in that area. It sure is frustrating…
Just a reminder photo of WIWF! (what I work for). Some small areas of my life have given me satisfaction and rewards for hard work, so it’s not all bad.
…I do have an inspirational quote for you:
It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Teddy Roosevelt said that. One would think he showed horses, too. I have to keep this in mind…it should not matter or concern me whether someone else fails or succeeds..keep my eye on my own goal and my own effots.
I visited Taylor on Saturday. Her pregnancy is (today) at day #328. I am so excited!!! I’m gonna be a grandma!
She was so excited to see me, she came running up to me when I walked in her pasture. I have her a stern talking-to – she MUST wait 3 weeks to give birth, because in 2 weeks I will be in Florida with the band and won’t be able to be there for the birth!!! Everyone cross your fingers, pleeeze!
I had a great lesson on Corky yesterday. Everything came together – all of our hard hard work for the past 3 months fell into place. It was an exciting moment to experience success that is 100% mine. Of course, it doesn’t count unless this also can happen in the show arena. As soon as the hairy beast starts shedding, I can make show plans.
I have no inspiring words of wisdom today, sorry. I vacuumed the water out of the basement carpeting, ate a huge bowl of my mom’s soup, and am now ready to curl up on the chair with my book and a bag of pretzels and watch some TV all by myself…bliss.
Last night was another night of weird dreams and sporadic insomnia. One dream was really weird. I dreamed that Kevin and I lived in the projects (OK, not that big of a stretch!) and we had my whole family over for Christmas. For some reason, I got upset and left, and drove my big truck with a go-cart in the back to another bad neighborhood. I got the go-cart out and started driving among the busted-up buildings. Along the way I saw rough looking people that looked vaguely threatening. Suddenly I realized I had lost my purse with my wallet and cell phone. I left the go-cart (I think it ran out of gas?) and went to go back to my truck, and I got hopelessly lost among the abandoned buildings. I started to panic, not knowing which way to go, and not having a cell phone. In my dream, I actually had the conscious thought that I needed to wake myself up to get myself out of this mess, so I did – woke myself up in my own dream. I checked the clock, it was 4:30am. I didn’t sleep much after that. span class="red">Weird!
I think my dream life is way more turbulent and upsetting than my real life. Why on earth do I dream such stressful dreams? Don’t I have enough stress in reality?
Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent
It’s hard to accept one’s own mediocrity in a certain area. We all want to be the best, don’t we? What exactly is the ‘best’? One who achieves the highest, or one who works the hardest? If it’s easy for someone, is it really a true accomplishment?
I didn’t sleep well again last night. I had lots of freaky dreams (I wish I could remember them). I am starting to get giddy with exhaustion! I had to resort to some morning caffeine intake today. I had cut my morning caffeine out entirely all week, and yesterday I was seriously falling asleep standing up (which is dangerous for me LOL!). Yesterday I even tried to tire myself extra by riding and working out at the Y all after work (I had supper at 8:000pm). I am tired, but not sleepy until I get to work, how weird is that?
This weekend is a busy, horsey weekend (yay!). I am visiting Taylor at the breeding farm on Saturday and then Sunday I am hauling Corky to a lesson. This will be a nice break from work, music, teaching, paperwork, teaching, music, paperwork, paperwork, work, etc.
There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.
Think things through, dangit! Think, then DO!
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive, and the true success is to labor.
I can see the point in that statement. Thinking back on my accomplishments, what stands out most is not the moment of success, the pinnacle, but the journey that took me to that point. The long journeys are memorable. I have to keep reminding myself that today is another day in my journey, and eventually I will reach that success point and feel very confident and proud, and will look back on today – a minuscule, unimportant figment of time – and be glad.
I am less blah today than yesterday. I am very sleepy. I had some more odd and disturbing dreams last night, involving Kevin, teaching, and tractors, but we won’t even go there! I crave a full night’s sleep…I need it so badly yet it stays just out of my grasp. I want to sleep stem to stern, top to bottom, clock to clock – from the moment I lay my head down until the moment the alarm forces me awake. I fought off an hour of severe sleepiness this morning at work. I feel more awake now that I have my lunch of pretzels and Diet Pepsi in my system…hopefully I will keep enough energy to get done what needs to be done today.
Enough whining!
Today’s agenda: clean my desk again. Yes, again. Why the heck can’t it STAY clean? It’s the demons at work, I swear.
This morning I caught my friend’s broodmare online (on her webcam) giving birth. It was incredible…makes me excited and terrified for Taylor. Her mare is also a maiden (a mare who has never had a baby before) and had a hard time accepting the foal. Part of me is very thankful that Taylor is at a place where she is being monitored 24/7 by a professional, but another part of me is devastated that she is so far from home. I am going to visit her on Saturday, I can’t wait to see the changes her pregnancy has caused…I am sure she is bigger and a bit more uncomfortable. She is due in 3 weeks!
I am in kind of an ‘off’ mood. I am just so tired! I had a wicked dream this morning about me driving a semi-truck, and the alarm went off and woke me just at the moment I was getting myself caught in a tight turn I wouldn’t be able to get out of (my secret, terrible fear when driving my horse trailer). How weird is that? I was so MAD I missed the ending and never got to find out if I made the turn OK.
OK, so this band Florida trip is stressing me out to no end. Probably this is a large reason for my insomnia…that an a lack of quality horse time. I am so dang busy! This is supposed to be my easy season…what the heck?
Working out is helping.
I just feel odd, have felt odd the last few weeks. Neither here nor there, neither up nor down, happy nor sad, just nothing. Am I turning into a blah sort of person that lacks highs and lows completely? Oh shudder…the horror!
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up! As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
Ok, so I am sitting her at my office on a Saturday afternoon. Yep…workin’ on a Saturday yet again! I ate a huge lunch at Fazolis today, had a huge dinner last night at Milano’s. Life is good – I’ve eaten at Milano’s the past 4 weekends in a row! Long live spaghetti!
I am not feeling that carb rush people talk about after eating pasta. Maybe because my life is in a constant state of rush already, the feeling doesn’t even register? Not sure! I do know I MUST cut back on the caffeine. I am still not sleeping well, and the brielf moments that I do sleep are filled aith crazy dreams that are mildly upsetting…as if I didn’t have enough craziness in REAL life!
Today is our last basketball game of the year (hence being at school on a Saturday afternoon). That’s always a good sign that spring is on it’s way. Shew, thank goodness!
I am buried right now in paperwork for the band’s Florida trip. It is completely overwhelming – the responsibility of taking 50 teenagers 1,000 miles rom home. It’s crazy, and I am the sole person in charge handling all of the details. Hey, don’t you DARE dismiss my right to be stressed! It’s not like I CHOOSE to be stressed, but I take these responsibilites seriously.
Gosh am I blah today. Weird…it’s been a very blah couple of weeks. I feel like my personality is seeping away.
Never let your memories be bigger than your dreams.
It’s easy and tempting to sit back and think about your accomplishments in the past, relive those great moments, and be proud. It’s also tempting to feel you deserve more because you did accomplish those things. I think I had a tendency to do that last year (2008). I had a lot of setbacks last year, and I can’t blame all of them on outside sources.
This year – 2009 – is going to be a different story. I am re-writing my story, and this is going to be a year where my accomplishments directly reflect my effort, hard work, foresight, and yes…DREAMS.
“The quality of a man’s life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence, regardless of his chosen field of endeavor” (Vince Lombardi)
Commitment to your dream means everything. It means you sacrifice little things, and a few great things in order to try to make it happen. So many dreams fall to pieces due to lack of commitment, or just plain lack of luck. Every now and then one of those dream seeds actually sprouts…and what a windfall they create!!!
Following your dream means you are occasionally obsessive about it. I do have an obsessive personality, so controlling it is my hardest task.
I totally wasted today. Today was a day off for me – a lazy Sunday. I went NOWHERE. I did a lot of nothing. I didn’t even clean the dog kennel (oops!). I did get some painting and varnishing done. I spent a lot of time playing on the internet, reading, and just hanging out. It was incredibly relaxing! I feel rejuvenated, so that in itself is a major accomplishment…so I can’t really call today a wasted day.
My mental state right now is very calm, relaxed, peaceful. It’s an odd feeling, after the turmoil of late. I feel chilled (yet warm).
Here is my inspirational phrase for the day that I stole from someone:
Don’t practice for SOMETHING. Practice for EVERYTHING and you’ll be ready for ANYTHING!
I am SO going to be ready for ANYTHING this coming show season. Preparation is the key, and I have been doing a lot o fthat this winter. I am armed with new knowledge, new tools, new skills, new strengths, and a new humble outlook! Yeah!
I am nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore…I am perfect!
LOL!!!!!
I thought that was funny. In reality, I am not a nobody, and certainly not perfect. I am a small to medium somebody in my own mind, and I wallow in my imperfections. Some of my imperfections make me the creative, spontaneous, goal-setting, dedicated person that I am.
So, in retrospect, I ain’t all that bad!
Today Taylor got her white papers! I finally remembered (after almost 2 years) to send in her ROM information to upgrade her papers. Ain’t she special?
I am pretty proud – she is the first horse I bred, first horse I earned an open ROM on, first horse I upgraded from Appendix to full papers, and she is carrying my first “grandfoal”.
...about 4 lottery tickets that I haven’t checked yet to see if they are winners. Imagine – one of them could hold the numbers that would change my life! What would I do if I won?
Well…probably quit my job eventually. Buy a nice property out in the country – just some bare land and build my dream home and barn. Buy a new truck, buy TWO new trucks (one for hauling and one for random driving). Other than that, I really can’t see me needing to buy anything major that my life is lacking. That’s a pretty good life! What it lacks surely isn’t in physical stuff.
I think I am missing a few brain cells today. I wonder how much it would cost to replace those?
Mud…as in muddling along, muddling through, trudging through the mud with leaky boots, stomping through the slop, dragging my feet, reluctant, slothlike, heavy.
That describes me this morning. Lovely images!
I need some daylight to look forward to.
This too shall pass…this too shall pass…this too shall pass…
People who think they are perfect really irk me. I mean, come ON, nobody is perfect. NO ONE. You are a complete blooming idiot if you think you are blameless, flawless, or without the need to ever apologize. I am at the point in my life now where I just skim over those self-convinced “perfect” people. You know, it’s SO easy to stand there and claim perfection, be blameless in every way, and 100% self-righteous. People like that repeat the same mistakes over and over again in their lives, because they NEVER learn. In order to learn and grow, you actually have to admit that you have areas that need improvement and growth. Otherwise, you live your life like Groundhog Day – the same dumb mistakes over and over and over again…and you blame everyone else for your own shortcomings.
Whatever!
Taylor is safe at the breeding farm ready to foal! OK, she isn’t due for another month and a half, but it’s time to get excited! I miss having her around (I think Corky misses her also). I can’t believe when she does return home, it will be with a beautiful, long-awaited foal that will be kind of like my grandchild…weird.
Saturday is Valentine’s Day. Oh boy. I am not sure if I am Valentine-ready or Valentine-worthy. All I know is that I am just stumble-bumbling through life trying to hold on to some shred of my sanity.
You know, I hit another period of insomnia. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep all week. I lay in bed and my mind races with all the things in my life. I feel a panic set in as I try to solve every one of my life’s problems before sleeping. Ain’t gonna happen! I have had weird dreams in the short periods I do sleep – lots of death, neglect, and little issues blown way out of proportion. I wish my mind had an on-off switch, or a plug I could disconnect, or even a reset button. That would be cool….
Wow, I am good! Totally psychic! Did I NOT predict this????
It’s funny. I am getting pretty good at reading peoples’ personal signs. I see the little rumblings, the hum of oncoming traffic, the tiny pinprick of light in the tunnel belonging to the freight train. It gets closer, rumblings get louder, a few more incidents, and then BLAMMO I get smashed by traffic as the train mows me down. Yep, I am good. I can see it coming a mile away. The part I am not good about is getting out of the darn way so I don’t get mowed down. I am learning…slowly.
Lesson #1 – Count on NO ONE but yourself. I mean NO ONE. When it all boils down, no one really cares about anyone other than themselves, so why should you put yourself out there and spend so much time being concerned about someone that doesn’t give a flying fig about you? Put yourself first. Pay yourself first, then pay your bills (I read that somewhere, it makes sense!).
Taylor leaves today for the breeding farm. The time is drawing hear…she is fat, pregnant, a little crabby, and about a month and a half from her due date. I am excited!!!
I try to be a good person, but a tiny part of me actually smiles when someone who is evil towards me experiences some evil directed at them. A truly good person would be above the pettiness and not ever wish ill on anyone, but I have to admit there is a tiny bit of satisfaction in the knowledge that someone got what’s coming to them. Bad me!
I honestly believe that we live in a balanced universe. The good is always coupled with the bad in order to even things out, and the bad you do eventually gets spread back on you in some way, shape, or form.
Damn groundhog saw his shadow today…so six more weeks of winter await. It hasn’t been sunny in weeks…until TODAY of course!
That’s good to know, right? You don’t need a key or a super-secret password. I think for a long time I have been searching for the key (kind of like my constantly misplaced truck keys that go on walkabouts every day) but never finding it. Well DUH, that’s because there isn’t a key! The damn door is wide open, I just need to get off my butt and on my feet and walk right through it.
I think I have great potential to be happy. Most times I actually am pretty happy. The one thing I hate about myself is the fact that so often someone else can change my mood to unhappy. I hate that I let an outside influence chane my being. I want to be stronger and be above that.
Hey, one can dream, right?
Poor overly-pregnant Taylor hasn’t felt good all weekend. She got her pre-natal vaccinations on Friday and has been sick and sore ever since. I had to have my vet make an emergency visit this morning to help her out. This breeding stuff is scary. I don’t know what I would do if I had a repeat of my last breeding experience (in 2006 my mare had a full-term stillborn filly, it was heartbreaking). This is Taylor’s first foal, first time being a mother. It should be interesting!
Here’s something my dad sent me:
Makes sense, doesn’t it?
So here is a list of things I am not worried about:
Ok, the rest of the stuff in my life I am worried about. I can’t just throw ALL of my worries away!
The ‘good’ things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Don’t wait and let life pass you by!
Be passionate about something. ANYTHING!
Passionless people are not only boring, they are annoying, and frankly I don’t care to waste any time in their presence. Yes, I am passionate about passionless people LOL!
One thing most people know about me is that I am extremely loyal to a fault. If I feel you are with me and are loyal and trustworthy, I will stay on your side and stand up for you no matter what. I don’t take disloyalty very well. I feel one of the worst things you can do to me is betray me. If you are on my side, I will stand up for you til death. I am completely loyal to the people I consider my friends. I am kind of an unforgiving sort to those that betray my trust or turn against me, even for a brief minute. Yeah, that’s probably not the healthiest way to relate to people, but that’s me.
Just thought I’d let you know!
…Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ok, so I am driving to work in the morning, stopped at a red light and some guy pulls into the turning lane from the McDonald’s on the other side of the road, and comes within 3″ of hitting the side of my truck. Then… he looks over at me and gives me the finger!What is UP with that? I was just sitting there at the red light, and HE almost hit ME! He was one of those wannabe jock-looking guys – you know the type that started going bald so they shaved their heads to try to look all cool? I was SO mad, I actually tried to confront him. I rolled down my window and started yelling, even started to get out of my truck to make sure he heard me, but then he took off (still waving the finger at me). Big, bald baby. Man, that made me MAD this morning. I am going to be on the lookout for him tomorrow. I hope I see him again…I have some aggression to release.
So I am sitting here on my lazy boy (no comments please!) and I am playing on the Internet on my Ipod Touch while watching a very random movie on TV. How cool is that???
It was a crazy day today. I was at solo and ensemble contest all day – 7:30am till 5pm. I was pretty proud of my students. The judging was kind of weird, I am thinking I should become a judge. Hmmmmm….
I am exhausted but in a good mood. I SHOULD be in a bad mood…I worked all day today and have to work tomorrow (on a SUNDAY no less!!!). Interestingly I am in a fairly good mood. My mood is a direct cause of the moods of the people around me. Gah I hate that I am so susceptible to the moods of the people around me. That can sometimes work to my advantage…but often it doesn’t. Oh well, I will enjoy it while it lasts LOL!
Yay…February starts next weekend. February us the official UGLY month…and then comes SPRING!!!! I am terribly excited fir spring. I have high hopes for 2009. Bring it on!
After having several consecutive days off for snow and ice, suddenly I am back to work and I am SWAMPED! Tuesday I worked all day, had a basketball game that night, got home around 10pm. Wednesday I worked all day, had a band booster meeting at night, got home at 9pm. Thursday I worked all day, had jazz rehearsal in Dayton, got home at 10:45pm. Tonight I worked all day, went and did barn work, and got home at 8:30pm. Tomorrow I get up at 5am, head to solo and ensemble competition, and get home maybe by 6pm if I am lucky. Sunday I get up at the crack of dawn again, rehearse the students and perform at the Catholic Schools’ Week mass in the gym, then hang around for a school open house in which no one will show up. Oh yeah – a teacher appreciation banquet is Sunday evening. I am opting out. I’d appreciate not having to spend another evening doing a required duty!!!
In these crazy days, I cannot go work out as there just aren’t any hours free. I hate that! It seems I’ve gotten quite addicted to running and working out and NEED my exercise endorphins. I think that is the only thing right now making me feel happy since there has been NO sunlight (at least not suring the hours I am out of work!!!). Amazing that I actually like to run now. My last run was a new record for me – I did a full 3 1/2 mile run without stopping…go me!!!
Dontcha hate it when you are all excited about something, and someone tries to kill your joy? Some people spend their lives with one goal – to throw a bucket of ice water onto any joyous occasion or cause for optimism. Let me tell you, it’s a full time job working around this sort of attitude and staying happy! I feel like I should get paid overtime for this!
It is mid-January, and it is really tough to find things to be excited or happy about. The temperatures have been in the teens or colder for the past 2 weeks, the skies have been grey, the ground is covered with snow (ugly dirty snow) and ice patches, the arena is rock hard, and I am trapped in a hectic and non-rewarding schedule. Sooo…in order to make good on my optimism promises, I will list a few thing I have to look forward to or be happy about:
It’s all good, people.
We are getting out today at 1pm for snow. It’s snowing like crazy. Ick.
Taylor is round and pregnant…so I started a foal pool
CLICK HEREI don’t mind the snow so much (OK, yes I do) but the damn cold temperatures are horrible. Singlie-digit temps are just WRONG. I hope my truck starts. I hope I don’t fall on the ice again. I hope I make it home in one piece!
Last night wasn’t a very good night for me. I am not sure what to do about things. The negativity surrounding me is killing me slowly but surely. I hate it (and that’s a total negative comment also!). I just don’t understand how people can be so blind to negativity. I guess if you live in that midset for so long, it becomes your own nature and that’s the way you truely see things. I don’t want to be like that! I am fighting it tooth and nail. I can’t imagine being so unhappy with life that I see every little bad thing and expound on it, especially when life is actually pretty darn good! Life IS good! I am healthy, secure, and things are going well. Everyone around me is healthy and doing well. Let’s embrace the good things in our lives and enjoy them instead of dwelling on the stupid silly little stuff.
I have this humongous list of stuff to do on my desk. I crossed off 6 items already this morning. I am proud! I swear by lists…my entire life is run by lists, calendars, schedules, and planning planning planning. I feel most secure when I can look at every moment of the upcoming wee and know exactly what I will be doing, when I will be doing it, and how. I wonder if that is a tiny bit of OCD coming out in me? I definitely have no OCD when it comes to keeping things clean or organized, other than my mental schedule.
They are predicting 6-10 inches of snow tonight. Yuck…NOT good for a Friday night! What a waste of a potential school delay or cancellation LOL!
Does everyone get in a bad mood during the winter months, or is it only a few people that I seem to notice? I have to work hard to stay upbeat when there isn’t any sun for days and days, the temps are below freezing, and the crazy schedule and weather makes doing things nearly impossible. I have been in a fairly good mood recently, despite what is happening around me. I set a new personal record and ran 3.15 miles straight without stopping…that was pretty cool! I was really good and worked out every other day during my 2 week vacation, and it makes me feel pretty good. It was so enjoyable, but now I am forced to work out alone and I hope and pray I can keep the mental fortitude and self-discipline to continue my program on my own. *sigh*…on my own again.
Wow, it’s January 9th already and I have yet to make my annual New Year’s Resolutions To Break! OK, here goes:
Ok, that’s enough…I stink at resolutions for the most part.
I lost a friend on Monday. I hate that. It’s hardest when you realize how much you take some people for granted, and then *poof* they are gone. It forces me to look at the peripheral people in my life. Oh sure, certain people I would NEVER take for granted – my parents, Kevin and the kids, people that are VERY close to me and whom I depend on or depend on me. I sit here and think about all the hundreds, thousands of people on the outskirts of my life that I tend to forget about unless I am in direct contact with them. People who have touched my life once or twice, people who are standards in the background of my life, and people who are there for me just waiting for me to express a need. How awful it is to lose someone that you never thanked enough, or should have spoken to more often.
2008 was a crappy year. Here’s why:
Here’s how 2009 will be WAY better:
Well, I survived the holidays. They always stress me out. people are all so cranky and crabby, and everyone is just spoiling for a fight. Things are much calmer now that life is slowly getting back to normal. I feel confident that I can make things work, and that I can be happy. I feel it now, where I didn’t feel it in 2008.
You know, I do love this Firefox browser, but my suspicious, cynical nature just doesn’t let me trust it. I just don’t trust it’s spellcheck. Some words it wants me to spell in a way I don’t think is correct. That’s the true test…who is smarter, me or the computer? LOL!
Yay!
