How do you make it?
I can't even bear to look at my post just the other day. I can't look at those pictures of foals without thinking of the filly I buried last night. She was so perfect - long legs, pretty bay color with a large white spash on her face. I can't help thinking about my anticipation as I ran across the field, noticing Fruit standing over what looked like a perfect sleeping foal, only to find the baby dead. Nothing can erase the sounds of Fruit screaming as only a mare can scream when we buried the little girl and Fruit was locked in her stall. I can't erase the sight from my head of that baby, so perfect in every way, being lowered into that hole that Kevin and I dug by hand. I woke up this morning (no, can't say that since I didn't actually sleep last night) with the oddest feeling in my chest. For weeks, for months, heck for 2 years I have been dreaming and anticipating this new baby...wondering boy or girl, what color, what it would be like. This morning a huge piece of me is missing, because instead of hope and wonder I am filled with dread and complete mental exhaustion. I just want to give up. There is no second chance for me anymore, this was my last baby. Yet here I am dressed and ready for another day at work. I am supposed to go through the day like normal - smile and laugh with the kids, get my work done, and survive without breaking down. I cannot even be comforted by anyone. I just can't believe this 2 year dream is over, finished, and never to come again.
