Things I thought about today

1. How come rainy Sundays make me depressed?
2. Will anyone remember to clean the cat litter box today?
3. I need some better nail polish that lasts longer
4. 7 miles doesn't feel very far on the elliptical if you have a ridiculous chick magazine to read
5. I wonder if I would look weird if I brought my own horse mags into the fitness room
6. I still need vaccinations for Corky
7. I don't want to think about the foal. I am forcing myself NO to think about her
8. Kevin is a lot of fun to hang out with, when he is not mad at me!
9. Kevin didn't get mad at me today, this has been such a great weekend.
10. Golden Corral is highly overrated. Why did I suggest we eat there?
11. I love the smell of paint
12. MySpace is so silly, but I can't help myself
13. I skipped church today and I feel very guilty
14. I have a lot of photos
15. As messy and unorganized as I am, I still knew where exactly in the garage attic to find Fruit's registration papers (that I haven't looked at in at least 5 years)
16. I hate it when Pasta has seizures. I wonder what she thinks about afterwards...does she remember them?
17. Sunday night TV stinks
18. I need to earn some serious money to replace the $2200 that Pasta's surgery cost me.
19. I still can't believe I got stuck paying that entire bill by myself
20. I am tired.

 

Posted by CoolRabbit at 09:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I feel a little better today. I am faced with the reality that life does go on, whether or not you are ready for it to do so. I went out to the barn today to spend quality time with 2 of my horses...one of which won't be mine within the next day or so. Fruit was out in the pasture with a buddy and she looked her normal self again. Amazing how I am still grieving, still brought to tears every time I think of that little body on the ground, and she is standing out in the pasture grazing without a care in the world. God made animals much more self-sufficient than humans.

What is hardest is knowing that Fruit will now belong to my good friend. I dread next spring, when she has that 'Joe' baby and it will belong to someone else...that should be MY baby out there! It's just not fair. All the time, effort, and money I spent to get my last baby out of her and someone else is going to reap the benefits. It hurts a lot. But, life goes on...

I shouldn't be so bitter. My life has been good, and I have been SO lucky thus far. What blessings I have! I have Taylor, who is drop-dead gorgeous and successful, and I have Corky, who loves me and is showing signs of being even more successful than Taylor! Why am I so selfish to want another one? I am counting my blessings, one-two. Those are some huge blessings, and I won't ever forget that.

Posted by CoolRabbit at 10:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I can't even bear to look at my post just the other day. I can't look at those pictures of foals without thinking of the filly I buried last night. She was so perfect - long legs, pretty bay color with a large white spash on her face. I can't help thinking about my anticipation as I ran across the field, noticing Fruit standing over what looked like a perfect sleeping foal, only to find the baby dead. Nothing can erase the sounds of Fruit screaming as only a mare can scream when we buried the little girl and Fruit was locked in her stall. I can't erase the sight from my head of that baby, so perfect in every way, being lowered into that hole that Kevin and I dug by hand. I woke up this morning (no, can't say that since I didn't actually sleep last night) with the oddest feeling in my chest. For weeks, for months, heck for 2 years I have been dreaming and anticipating this new baby...wondering boy or girl, what color, what it would be like. This morning a huge piece of me is missing, because instead of hope and wonder I am filled with dread and complete mental exhaustion. I just want to give up. There is no second chance for me anymore, this was my last baby. Yet here I am dressed and ready for another day at work. I am supposed to go through the day like normal - smile and laugh with the kids, get my work done, and survive without breaking down. I cannot even be comforted by anyone. I just can't believe this 2 year dream is over, finished, and never to come again.

Posted by CoolRabbit at 06:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am still waiting for Fruit to have her baby...oops I mean foal. I've waited 11 1/2 months, what's a few more days? I am excited about this baby, yet a little melancholy since this is my last baby for a while. Fruit is sold, heading to her new home this fall after the baby is weaned. I am going to be out of the breeding business for a while, to concentrate on showing the horses I have right now. I can't afford to do both, so I made the decision to choose between the two.

Amazing that just 2 years ago I was sitting in this very position - waiting on a foal. Fruit held on for 2 weeks after I thought she'd give birth....made for some long nights sleeping in my horse trailer in the barn driveway. Amazing, since that baby I waited for is now two, and I started trotting her under saddle this week. 2 years ago it was April, 2004. I was a newlywed (LOL!) and made some major changes in my life. Looking back, some of those changes have stuck (I am still married, still living on Hazel, still in love ). Some of those changes have changed back (I am back at GVTC with Taylor, back to my annoying self). 2 years can make or break a person, and it can make or break a relationship. we like to think we are all growing and evolving constantly, but I think for the most part we remain stagnant until some major life force throw us off track and we change in order to survive.

Welcome springtime! Here's a trip down memory lane, remembering the last few foals I raised:

Posted by CoolRabbit at 08:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Once again I stressed myself to the point of illness only to find out NOTHING was happening! NO PROBLEM! I must either have an overactive guilty conscience or just am used to always being in trouble. I play the bad guy role very well, seems those are the shoes I am always wearing, so why would this time be any different? I feel much more relaxed now...gonna get through the day, ride, work out at the Y, and treat myself to a big plate of spaghetti.

Posted by CoolRabbit at 07:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I am dreading tomorrow, just dreading it. I hate it when I dread things, when I worry and stress over something that is silly. I wish I could become more laid back and relaxed, more carefree.

 Kevin is gone for a few days for work. I wish he was here to talk to. Unfortunately he is not a 'phone guy' so I will have to wait until he comes home.

Tomorrow...ugh.

Why can't I just relax...

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Does anyone want to read Taylor's MySpace site? It's pretty silly, I set it up just for fun.

www.myspace.com/taylor8118

 

Posted by CoolRabbit at 10:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Funny how we forget that we are real...we are all creatures that do more than just exist. I feel like my family finds me tedious and boring, uninteresting. It takes a few days spent with other less jaded people to remember that am I am lively, funny, slightly crazy, spontaneous person. Who else is willing to moonwalk on command...10 times in one evening?

And don't get me started on fashion sense. Yes, I have plenty. Why is there reason to show it just to sit at home all evening and watch TV or watch someone sleep? I guess my sense isn't good enough, people need to look elsewhere for advice. Maybe it's time I start looking elsewhere myself for some advice. One thing is for certain - I am rediscovering my zany side and my personality is coming back. Too bad those closest to me will have to miss out.

This too shall pass

That is my daily mantra. Dont sweat the small stuff, because life can be snuffed out in an instant! Do you want to lay somehwere dying, knowing that the last real conversation you had was degrading someone else? Yeah, that'll score you some good points up above! I don't want to die with a bad taste in my mouth, so I will say to myself over and over again

This too shall pass

I refuse to be unappreciated. Hah, easier said than done! I appreciate myself, I know I have many good qualities even though some poeple may insist that I have none. I say look deeper into yourself before pointing  fingers. I have many many many many many many many faults. I also have a handful off good points that some people tend to ignore. They are there, they do exist!

This too shall pass

Tomorrow is a new day. Can I forgive yet again? Am I even being forgiven? Or is there yet another grudge being held against me?

This too shall pass

...and if it doesn't...life goes on! There is so much more out there, so much life to be lived, I don't want to spend my days on earth hating myself and thinking I have no good qualities.

Pep talk over!

I feel better now.

Posted by CoolRabbit at 06:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)