I have not spoken much about Mark and the cancer, mainly because I have been living by the ostrich method of keeping my head in the sand and pretending everything is normal. It seems to work better for me that way. It's getting to the point where I really can't do that anynmore. We met today with the oncologist at the James OSU cancer center, mainly to discuss the after-effects of his clinical trial and where we go from here. Well, now we have heard it from both doctors that the end is definitely coming, the question is when. Eventually (and we were told that it is 100% a fact this will happen) the current chemo will stop working. We then will have to switch to a different chemo. Eventually that will also stop working. There is a new drug out for Mark's type of cancer that doubles the average life span from 6 months to 13 months, so that will be option #3. I guess in my head I was thinking this could all possibly cure him, or stabilize him to the point where we just go on as normal. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that THIS is our new normal. I realize I am so blessed that Mark is doing so great with the chemo he is currently on. The tumors have shrunk slightly, and he has very few side effects that affect his quality of life (other than being tired and bad tasting food). I guess I just thought we could go on like this forever. I don't want to borrow trouble, but I know now that this will eventually stop working. Today might be the best day, who knows? Eventually it will start going downhill. All we can do is live as best we can, and do all the things, which we are. It is so hard to carry this in my head. It's a lonely place as few people really want to talk to me about it or listen to my stress. I never realized how alone this journey would be.

To change the topic to something better - I have been working Bacon on my own lately and as long as we do really short stints - like 5 minutes or so, she does great. So...that's what I am going to do. This heat (96 degrees) is a real struggle for her so I watch her closely. Yeah, I meant to say something positive in this paragraph, but right now the future all around looks a bit dim. It will be better tomorrow.

Dolphin and I went by ourselves to an agility trial in Cincinnati. Since I really didn't want to get up at 4am, we went last night and stayed the night in a hotel. It was a nice, relaxing evening. The trial today went well, Dolphin ran awesome. We had a nice Q and 2nd place in FAST, and a nice Q and 2nd place in Jumpers, and a beautiful standard run but knocked a bar. I was pretty proud of him in standard - there were three major off course traps that got nearly every single 20" and 24" dog, and he was one of only a small handful that didn't fall in the traps. Not sure why he knocked a bar, and unfortunately I don't have video to analyze to figure out why. Oh well...inching closer and closer to qualifying for the AKC National Agility championship. Only 52 more points to go!

I did a little training with Bacon yesterday, and it didn't take long before she really couldn't move faster than a walk. In looking at her, I can see that there is a little bit of fluid buildup on her abdomen. My heart is shattering because I know that fluid retention means the heart is failing. Today I called MedVet and made an appointment with the cardiologist for another echo and to see what our next steps will be. They were able to get me an appointment in 2 weeks. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I am trying to keep most of this to myself because I feel like my friends are tired of my depressing life journey. Hell, people, I am way more tired of it than you are! Guaranteed. I guess what is most difficult for me right now is that I look into the future and I see nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I see loss. Loss is coming, in many ways, and it's hard to want to go forward knowing that things are just going to get worse a little bit every day. It's extra hard watching my friends live their lives, go on and be happy, and basically leave me behind. No one can really understand this journey. I guess we all have our different paths that we are forced to walk. Meanwhile I will smile and make the people around me happy.