I have not spoken much about Mark and the cancer, mainly because I have been living by the ostrich method of keeping my head in the sand and pretending everything is normal. It seems to work better for me that way. It's getting to the point where I really can't do that anynmore. We met today with the oncologist at the James OSU cancer center, mainly to discuss the after-effects of his clinical trial and where we go from here. Well, now we have heard it from both doctors that the end is definitely coming, the question is when. Eventually (and we were told that it is 100% a fact this will happen) the current chemo will stop working. We then will have to switch to a different chemo. Eventually that will also stop working. There is a new drug out for Mark's type of cancer that doubles the average life span from 6 months to 13 months, so that will be option #3. I guess in my head I was thinking this could all possibly cure him, or stabilize him to the point where we just go on as normal. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that THIS is our new normal. I realize I am so blessed that Mark is doing so great with the chemo he is currently on. The tumors have shrunk slightly, and he has very few side effects that affect his quality of life (other than being tired and bad tasting food). I guess I just thought we could go on like this forever. I don't want to borrow trouble, but I know now that this will eventually stop working. Today might be the best day, who knows? Eventually it will start going downhill. All we can do is live as best we can, and do all the things, which we are. It is so hard to carry this in my head. It's a lonely place as few people really want to talk to me about it or listen to my stress. I never realized how alone this journey would be.

To change the topic to something better - I have been working Bacon on my own lately and as long as we do really short stints - like 5 minutes or so, she does great. So...that's what I am going to do. This heat (96 degrees) is a real struggle for her so I watch her closely. Yeah, I meant to say something positive in this paragraph, but right now the future all around looks a bit dim. It will be better tomorrow.

Dolphin and I went by ourselves to an agility trial in Cincinnati. Since I really didn't want to get up at 4am, we went last night and stayed the night in a hotel. It was a nice, relaxing evening. The trial today went well, Dolphin ran awesome. We had a nice Q and 2nd place in FAST, and a nice Q and 2nd place in Jumpers, and a beautiful standard run but knocked a bar. I was pretty proud of him in standard - there were three major off course traps that got nearly every single 20" and 24" dog, and he was one of only a small handful that didn't fall in the traps. Not sure why he knocked a bar, and unfortunately I don't have video to analyze to figure out why. Oh well...inching closer and closer to qualifying for the AKC National Agility championship. Only 52 more points to go!

I did a little training with Bacon yesterday, and it didn't take long before she really couldn't move faster than a walk. In looking at her, I can see that there is a little bit of fluid buildup on her abdomen. My heart is shattering because I know that fluid retention means the heart is failing. Today I called MedVet and made an appointment with the cardiologist for another echo and to see what our next steps will be. They were able to get me an appointment in 2 weeks. I feel so overwhelmed right now. I am trying to keep most of this to myself because I feel like my friends are tired of my depressing life journey. Hell, people, I am way more tired of it than you are! Guaranteed. I guess what is most difficult for me right now is that I look into the future and I see nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I see loss. Loss is coming, in many ways, and it's hard to want to go forward knowing that things are just going to get worse a little bit every day. It's extra hard watching my friends live their lives, go on and be happy, and basically leave me behind. No one can really understand this journey. I guess we all have our different paths that we are forced to walk. Meanwhile I will smile and make the people around me happy.

Today started our dog show marathon - 2 days in Michigan, and then 2 days in Madison, Ohio. First up - Marshall, Michigan.

Both Dolphin and Bacon were entered. That meant that Mark had to be ready to show in case Bacon won Winners bitch. And....she did, both days! Mark took her back in the ring, and got Best of Winners both days, and even pulled off a Best of Opposite over a bitch special on Thursday! She earned two points each day, which meant that Friday she officially singled out.

Dolphin actually showed great both days. For some reason, he did not even get a look in best of breed on Thursday. I think this might possibly be the only time he has ever left the ring without a ribbon in conformation! He came back strong on Friday with a really nice Best of Breed win over 3 specials. It was a fun couple of days, although showing two dogs and dealing with dog switches and number changes in a split second outside the ring is kind of stressful. I thknk I am just out of practice!

Bacon is officially singled out, meaning she has all of her single points and now just needs her two majors. There are majors on Saturday and Sunday in Madison, Ohio, so we packed up Friday and hit the road 4+ hours across Ohio to Madison. Oh the things we do for dog shows...

It was a 4-point major at the Madison, Ohio show. I do love outdoor shows! Saturday was a bit toasty, but nothing is better than gaiting your big moving dogs on grass. Bacon was the only one entered this weekend, so Dolphin got to just hang out with us for a couple days (and he was pretty happy about that!). Bacon showed wonderful on Saturday. She ended up getting reserve Winners Bitch to the major...oh so close! She did win Best Puppy, and got to go on and compete in the puppy groups later on in the day. She was fantastic in the puppy sporting group, and ended up winning it! No love in best puppy, but I was happy at how her stamina held up even in the heat. Granted, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort for her to show conformation, but it was still nice to see her just as happy and bouncy at the end of the day as she was at the beginning.

We showed earlier in the morning on Sunday, and the weather was beautiful. Bacon showed her heart out, and we were sooooo close to winning the major when the judge pulled us and another dog out to compare. Unfortunately, she went reserve to the major yet again. However, she also won Best Puppy again, and also went on to win the puppy sporting group again! Again, we got no love in best puppy, but Bacon showed wonderfully. It's fun to show a dog who absolutely loves the show ring. She reminds me so much of Noodle, and has that same love for showing that Noodle still has.

So, we are on that eternal search for our majors, which is going to be a tough task. It's funny, I am a little spoiled with my previous 5 show dogs...all of them knocked out their majors pretty quickly so I was never stuck in that endless loop of entering shows, and then wasting money when it doesn't have enough entries for a major. I think that might be my path on this go-around. The best part about these 4 days is being able to share the moments with Mark. He loves the conformation shows so much, and we just don't know how many of these will be in his future. Being at the shows brings back so many memories of traveling with Mark and Pretzel nearly every weekend to shows (just take a look at my 2016 training diary!). I want to savor every moment, because I know these moments have an expiration date.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming... in other words, back to agility! Dolphin and I headed southwest to New Albany, Indiana for an agility trial. It was good to head south, as the smoke from the Canadian wildfires has reached our area and the levels outside were dangerous to breathe. No problem for the southern areas!

Well, our results were, um, less than stellar. This weekend was a plethora of knocked bars and other mistakes. We didn't get the send in FAST on Saturday morning - pretty simple 3 jump send, but Dolphin missed the 2nd jump. We entered Premier Standard, this was a first for us as we have been solely concentrating on the classes to earn our MACH. I had a rather funny introduction to the class as my friend and I walked the course completely wrong, and we didn't notice one of the jumps was actually a backside until I was entering the ring. I had to think fast on my feet and change my handling plan...and it worked! We had a decent Q and 1st place. In Standard, Dolphin had an strange weave pole fault when a barking dog right outside the ring fence distracted him and he stopped in the middle. Jumpers was a hot mess, with 2 knocked bars and an off-course tunnel.

Sunday was marginally better. We did get a Q and 1st place in Time 2 Beat. He knocked a bar in Premier Standrad, and 2 bars in Jumpers. Thankfully, we ended the weekend with a super nice Q in Standard, and enough points this weekend to drop him down to only needing 11 points to qualify for the national agility championship. That's my big goal I have left for the year, and we have until November, so hopefully nothing terrible happens and we can get it done.

Photos from this weekend

I had my semi-private lesson with Bacon this evening. I was in a better frame of mind than I have been for the past 3-4 lessons. If I sit down to analyze why, I realize that I am reaching a place of acceptance. I am starting to accept the fact that she will never really be able to compete in agility like I had hoped. I've lived through that crushing disappointment for the past few months, and now I am accepting it. I am not liking it, and it sure doesn't mean that my heart isn't completely broken, but I was able to leave my lesson without tears, so I guess that's a plus.

Tomorrow we go to the cardiologist for another echo of her heart, to see where she is at at this point in her life. I am so stressed. I'd love a miracle, but really just praying it isn't bad news...ok I guess it's all bad news but I am praying it's not worse news.

This morning I took Bacon to MedVet for an Echocardiogram to see how her heart looks now that she has grown. The cardiologist was very pleased with how her heart and mitral valve dysplasia was looking. It's still there and it's still big, but her heart seems to be handling it fairly well. We are worried about her lack of energy and stamina, as this could be caused by a number of things. We are going to rule out the simplest first - by weaning her slowly off of the heart medications over the next 4 weeks. We will do another echo in 6 weeks and see how the heart handles being off of the drug. If she handles this well but still has issues, we will have to look more deeply into what is going on...i.e. more testing and a LOT more money. It would be worth every penny if we could help her! The good news is that he feels she will live a good, long life...the way her heart has handled the growing process is a great sign that she is thriving. So, now we gradually wean her off of the heart meds for the next month, and see what happens.

HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY, NOODLE! I cannot believe she is 10...double digits. I can't even come up with the words to describe what this girl means to me. She is my ride or die, always ready to jump in the car and DO something, anything! She forces me to check the weather forecast every evening, because I have learned if there is a storm approaching, I had better plan on letting her sleep with me at night or she will melt down! Now that she is almost completely deaf, it has made training a challenge, but we are now switching over to all hand signals for things and she is enjoying the new learning. Damn, I love this girl. Here is a very short list of some of her accomplishments (to list them all would take days!)

★ National Specialty Tri-Athlete Award 2019, 2021, 2022, 2024, 2026 (every year she has shown!)
★ 2022 NS Most Versatile Weim - 2nd place
★ 2024 NS Most Versatile Weim - 2nd place
★ 2024 NS Most Versatile Senior Weim
★ 2026 - NS MOST VERSATILE WEIMARANER, Most Versatile Senior, High in Trial Agility Preferred
★ Champion, Grand Champion
★ Best In Specialty Show winner
★ Rally Champion (RACH)
★ 17 agility double Q's towards her MACH
★ 17 agility double Q's towards her PACH
★ AKC Master Hunter Lifetime Achievement Award
★ Master Hunter Advanced with 37 master hunter passes

This morning I took both Noodle and Bacon to rally run-throughs. I am working on doing rally with all hand signals and no verbals with Noodle, since she cannot hear. We had a pretty good training sesson, she was REALLY enthusiastic!

I did several courses with Bacon, including one Master level course (I changed a couple of the signs that I knew were way beyond her ability right now). My goal with her is as always - keeping her engaged and happy. I also worked on doing the full courses without treats until the end. She is doing really well with this concept. This is something I wish I had done a lot more with Noodle when she was first learning. Oh well, you know how that goes - you learn with each dog and hopefully get a little better each time with how you train.

Not surprisingly, Bacon did not enjoy the course that had like 6 sits in a row. By sit #4 she was standing in protest. We got it done, but I know this might be an issue in the future when we run into those judges that have zero flow in their courses. I am having a lot of fun with her enthusiasm. We did a couple courses on leash, and then did several off leash. She actually did better off leash. Having the leash on got in her way a lot, and was distracting to her (she tried to grab it a few times). Overall I felt really good about our training session today, enough that when I got home I decided to add an entry for her in Advanced A rally at the trial next month. I have her entered in Intermediate, but I think she might do better without a leash. I guess we shall see!

Bacon and I did a lot of training today! In the morning, I rented the training building with my friend. We lowered the dog walk and worked on that - Bacon had ZERO issue with it! I am glad, since she was very afraid of it after she fell off last month. I am glad I gave her a month to gain her confidence back and forget about the spill she took.

I have been doing tiny bits of weave training - like 2 minutes at a time, using the 2 by 2 method. Today for the first time she did 6 weaves straight! It is by no means 'learned', as I had to move the third pair slightly offset after that to remind her what to do. Hey, progress!

In the evening, my friend came over with her young dog that is in training and is around Bacon's level in agility. We had a great time. Bacon was really energized by the new faces. I am re-training her for a running A-frame. Why? Because it will be good experience for me to train this as I feel like I didn't do a great job training Dolphin's running A-Frame. Bacon ran her first sequence wonderfully, but got tired quickly after that. She kept a good attitude, though, and was still willing to work. At this point, that's all I can ask of her.

Dolphin and I headed to Dayton for an agility trial! We only entered today and Sunday. Mark is gone on his golf trip in Pennsylvania (I am SO glad he was able to go!), so I had to be home for the dogs.

Dolphin was wonderful! We started off the morning with a pretty nice Jumper's Q. He ran it well, and it was a really nice, flowing course. The lines were much tighter than they were last weekend, because this trial doesn't have as large of a space for a ring. This meant a lot more twists and turns, but on the plus side, it also meant less knocked bars.

Next was Premier Standard. Ye gads...just look at all of that crazy mess between obstacle 5 and 16. Not only was it confusing, but it was super tight. I thought we would crash this part of the course, but Dolphin actually ran it really well! He set some really nice lines on the backsides and the slices. We ended up with a super nice Q and 1st place, and on a course that very few dogs qualified on. Yeah!

We finished the day with an awesome standard run - lots of twisty turns and tight lines, and Dolphin still ran it with a nice 26 MACH points. This is Double QQ #24, which is Double QQ #4 towards MACH 2! The best news? He officially qualified for the AKC National Agility Championships being held in Tulsa, OK next March! I am So excited...BIG giant goal CHECKED OFF!

We took the day off yesterday, and were back at the agility trial today. This time Noodle got to come along! Yeah, I said I was probably retiring her in May after the national specialty, but she did so well there and has been training so well, I figured why not let her have some fun today?

In hindsight I probably shouldn't have let Dolphin run the property half the day yesterday while I mowed. Today he was very very tired, and put very little effort into things. We started off with Jumpers, and he knocked bar #3 out of sheer laziness. After the halfway point, he suddenly woke up and flew through the rest of the course. That made me happy! However, he knocked a bar early in Time 2 Beat once again from sheer laziness, and this time I walked him off. Come on, dude, you are not that tired! I was right, he came back for Standard and ran great. Not as great as he usually runs, but he ran MUCH better and scored a nice solid Q.

I only had Noodle entered in Preferred jumpers and standard. That girl was wonderful! She ran so good, even the stinky tunnel start in standard. It took a bit to get her into the tunnel from the start, but after that she ran the course really well. She ended up with Double QQ #18! I think we will try to finish her PAX title - which is 20 preferred double QQ's. That's definitely a doable goal. The points needed to finish her PACH are probably out of reach.

Oh, and they had the cutest photo backdrop at the trial. I borrowed my friend's dog goggles and put them on Noodle. Good old Noodle will always let me dress her up and pose her as long as treats are involved!

Noodle was awesome in agility class today - she literally ran every single sequence and course perfectly. After class I took her and Pizza to the bird dog club to do some bird training with my friend. She has two young dogs getting ready for senior hunter, so we put out chukar for the dogs and had a couple friends as gunners. Well, let me tell you both my girls are very very rusty.

Noodle completely forgot how to honor. It's so weird - she had turned into such a great backer, and suddenly after a few months off she acted like she had no clue. She was nice and solid on her bird work and her retrieve. The hardest thing is now that she is pretty much completely deaf, directing her in the field is about impossible. There is no way to get her attention to change direction. Even on the retrieve - she went out and had to search for the downed bird because the cover was so heavy, and when she finally picked it up, she couldn't hear me and the wing was covering one eye so she brought it to the gunner, who was the only person she could see. I might try a whistle with her next week to see if maybe the shrill tones can break through her hearing loss.

Pizza did really well, her honoring (of course) was no problem. She was nice and steady on her bird work just like Noodle. However, her retrieve was awful. When she brought the bird to me she tried to grab it back out of my hand once I took it (and she nailed my finger with her tooth). This has been a bit of a problem, but today it was a huge problem. After that, she of course didn't want to complete the retrieve. I need to go back and do some big positive retieving drills in my yard like I did all last year. She's a weird one, because I haven't yet (even after all these years) figured out what her primary motivation is. She wants to please me, but not in the big way that Noodle and Dolphin do. It's been a challenge with her since she was a puppy. I am working through a lot of this in agility, as she is more food motivated than pleasing-me motivated...works ok for those types of sports but you can't really jackpot food in the field. I am lucky because she has so much natural talent, training her in the field has not been a big issue for the most part.

Bacon is doing 6 weaves consistently as of today! I was told by my coach not to spend a lot of time doing the initial training steps (we are doing the 2 x 2 method), once she gets it, move on! 12 weaves in 12 days. Well, I took a lot longer, but once she told me to not linger on any one step and to block out a week to consistently train and get it done, I pushed it through and Bacon got it!Today I added a jump before and after, and I love how she skids into the weave entrance. This is something we can train because it only requires 1-2 reps and then we stop and do something else. The video below is a compilation of doing 2 reps, doing something else, and then coming back and doing a couple more reps before callit it quits.

Dolphin and I headed to an agility trial in Cincinnati with our training partners. I brought Bacon along so she could get used to hanging out in a crate at a trial, plus I was able to do some obedience training in between my runs. It was her first time in a soft crate and she did great! Not a peep out of her all day (and we were there from 7am-4:30pm). She really liked being in the crate on the end where she could watch the activity. We did some basic heeling practice and rally in between my agility runs, and her focus was wonderful.

Today was another poopy day for Dolphin. He was not good in FAST and we missed the send. We had a very mediocre qualifying run in Time 2 Beat. In Standard, Dolphin came out of the tunnel slowly and went into the weaves, and then pulled out halfway to sniff at something on the ground. I walked him off after that - this weave issue is becoming slightly a 'thing' the past couple weeks and I don't want it to become a habit. He came back realy strong in jumpers. Maybe it was because I walked him off in standard? I don't know, but he had a wonderful run and 2nd place. I noticed that every time he came out of a tunnel today he was trotting. I wonder if something is sore on him that is affecting how he feels having to bend down to go through the tunnel? I will have him checked this week and have some massage done on him to see if he is maybe tight, or muscle sore.

The blah results of the day kind of match my mood. I am starting to get this overwhelming feeling again, drowning in all of the stress of Mark's cancer and the fact that they are reducing his chemo next round in order to keep the neuropathy from becoming permanent. I hate that...because it seems with everyone I talk to, when they reduce the chemo, it becomes less effective and the cancer comes back stronger. Such a hard place to be in - the chemo is doing a great job in killing the cancer, but it is also killing his nerves in his feet and hands. Weighing the balance is stressful, and you never really know what the right answer is or should have been. It feels like every corner of my life is submerged in this cancer. I can't even remove myself from it temporarily when I go to the trials...it's in my head 24/7 and the stress is eating me up. The worst thing is NO ONE else understands it. Hell, even I don't understand it.